As part of a movement we’ve dubbed “Productive Procrastination,” we have forgone online shopping and 45-minute KAF breaks for a more lucrative time-wasting occupation: penning an unorthodox yet accurate list of tips to help you stay sane this frosty finals period. Consider this your comprehensive how-to guide for going out with a 14Win instead of 14Whimper.
Study Spaces D-classified: A Cynic’s Evaluation of Baker-Berry Hot Spots:
1. 1902: For the masochist in all of us. While the large windows create the illusion of hope and positivity during daylight hours, don’t be fooled. The room becomes a den for stimulant-fueled late night study binges. No bathroom in sight makes it impossible to maintain a balanced coffee diet. A giant, unnecessary fireplace (naturally) ... but no bathroom.
2. First Floor Berry: With its deafening volume, high-traffic flow and utter lack of conveniently placed electrical outlets, FFB boasts a coffeehouse feel in the mornings (minus the ambiance/hipster pretension) before degenerating into all-out chaos by 8 p.m. Just thinking about studying there conjures up the image of jocks in rolling chairs and Green Print traffic jams.
3. Third Floor Berry: It’s like a more repressed version of first floor. It’s just as facetimey, but verbal interaction with others is frowned upon. It’s the serious study spot for the social student. If you can resist falling asleep in armchairs and enjoy your homework with a side of searing sexual tension and social evasion, this is the place for you!
4. The Stacks: If you have the physical stamina of a yeti, you will flourish in this freezing icebox of academic devastation. Defined by a strict code of behavior that discourages not only speaking, but fidgeting, sniffling and mouth-breathing, the only thing more terrifying than this study space’s atmosphere is the unreasonably steep staircase one has to scale to find a decent spot.
5. Periodicals: Since some rando’s notebook and empty KAF cup already occupy nearly every table as soon as the library opens, finding a vacant study spot in this cozy corner of the library feels like a triumph in and of itself. Note to novices — there is lighting in the little nooks. Just find the pull string, and you can avoid sitting for hours in absolute darkness!
Nourishing the Mind: Best Sustenance for the Strung-Out Scholar:
1. KAF Artichoke Dip: It’s just amazing, and because it is green, you can pretend it’s made of vegetables. Plus, they give you so much of the stuff that it suddenly seems fitting to purchase an entire baguette.
2. KAF Chocolate Croissant: Somehow the chocolate chips are long rectangles. I don’t know how they do it, but I like it.
3. KAF Yogurt and Granola: Sometimes you’re on your fourth KAF croissant of the day and want to feel healthy. This is the snack for that time, so long as you can get over the imbalanced yogurt to granola ratio. No shade to KAF, but nobody who has taste buds wants that much plain yogurt.
4. Novack’s Pepperoni Hot Pocket: Other times, you hate everything about your life and you want to feel unhealthy, because that is the closest to “cutting loose” you have come in several sober weeks. Nothing says “reckless” like a reheated hot pocket.
5. Novack’s Oddly Fancy Chocolate: I know it’s fancy because one time I saw that Stella’s sells them.
Stall Standards: Places for “Doing Your Business” While Getting Down to Business:
1. Periodicals/KAF Solo Restroom: Solo, i.e. by yourself ... Need I say more?
2. Periodicals/KAF Solo Restroom 2.0: The upstairs version of an original favorite. It even says “private” on the door, so it sort of feels like you have gained access to an elite poop club.
3. Novack Bathroom: Grim. For as many times as I have been denied access because someone was cleaning it, those stalls never cease to amaze me by just how nasty they are. Truly foul ... but open 24 hours.
4. Orozco (Rest)Room: Removed from the hustle and bustle of upstairs traffic, these single restrooms have it all: clean toilets, total privacy, a door that actually locks and won’t mysteriously open leaving you completely exposed.
5. Fourth Floor Berry: Psych. Design flaw. Best make your way down to 3FB, where the woman’s bathroom is always flooded with some unidentifiable fluid. Gross? Indeed, but second floor just seems too far away.
Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda: Top 5 Things I Would Do with the Hour that Daylight Savings Time is Stealing:
1. Procrastinate: Last finals period, a friend introduced me to the game Kanye Zone (Oh, you don’t know what it is, DST? Google it.). I proceeded to play it in the library for an hour and a half straight and made the day’s leader board. Imagine what I could do with one more hour.
2. Nap: People always say that you can “sleep when you’re dead.” It may be more accurate to say that without sleep, you’ll just die sooner. So I feel really good about making it a priority. I have heard you are only supposed to nap for 30 minutes maximum (who has the self-control for that?). So technically speaking, I am being robbed of two naps. TWO.
3. Buy Everything at the Hop, Novack, KAF, and Collis: I have $450 of DBA left. The same thing happened last term. The DBA is not going to spend itself. So basically, it is our economic duty to buy as many KAF cakes as possible.
4. Shower/Clean: For some unknown reason, people feel like finals period is the perfect time to forfeit any and all personal maintenance to hit the books extra hard. But you know what is hitting me extra hard? Your body odor.
5. Get Some Work Done: Ha.
