Olympians Take Over Hanover

by Amelia Acosta | 8/9/12 10:00pm

We watch them compete. We follow them on Twitter. We cling to every scrap of information about their love lives. The athletes of the 2012 Olympics are what's hot right now, and why not? With their obvious talent, chiseled physiques and ample charms, it makes sense that we idolize them. But what if all that star power wasn't on television, but could instead be found right here in Hanover? Let's go for a theoretical wander and consider what some of London's most exciting athletes might be like if they were instead Dartmouth students.

Aliya Mustafina: Found everywhere, doing everything significantly better than you. No, seriously. This Russian tumbler would destroy Dartmouth. She'd be the only one who had done the reading in your 10A, despite having crushed you in a best-of-five tree series (you know she'd never even consider shrub) the night before. That hot guy you met at tails would ask her to formal, and she'd laugh at you at the gym as you struggled through a particularly uncoordinated attempt at Zumba while she polished off 10 miles on the treadmill. One look from her and you'd drop the last chocolate chip scone from Collis on Friday morning not that she even wants it. She just wants you to know she can take it away. And really, is there any greater tragedy than losing the last Friday morning chocolate chip scone?

Teddy Riner: Found making Dartmouth better, one gorgeous grin at a time. Teddy is my personal favorite athlete of the 2012 Olympics, even though I could care less about his sport. As far as I can tell, watching judo is like watching any Jackie Chan movie, but the people are sweatier and there's no fun soundtrack. Regardless, Teddy is the coolest. His nicknames ("The Teddy Bear" and "Teddy Winner") might not be the most original, but they totally work because he is the most talented and lovable man to ever make a career out of hand-to-hand combat. Teddy would be our student body president, social chair of his frat and chair of DREAM, somehow without making us all want to strangle him. Come summertime, he would frequent the Copper Mines, because rumor has it he's something of a daredevil. Plus he's French, and the French love him. You know how hard it is to please the French!

Hiroshi Hoketsu: A member of the Japanese equestrian team, would not be found at Dartmouth. Because he is 71 years old.

Tom Daley: Found emerging from an all-nighter in 1902, blinking at the world, only to realize that the whole world is blinking back. Tom would be the kind-hearted bookworm that girls pine over, not least because of his washboard abs and perfect tan. His mother recently revealed to British entertainment magazines that the diving star has never had a "proper girlfriend," which is one part adorable, one part concerning. What's wrong with him? Hopefully he's just too busy hitting that springboard, or in the Dartmouth world, the books. Whoever can lure him out of his academic labyrinth long enough for a combo Nugget-Morano Gelato date might just be the first to find a place in his Speedo I mean heart.

Usain Bolt: Found (call me crazy, but hear me out) performing in main stage productions at the Hop. I know there might not be much evidence to suggest this, but this is the guy who slowed to a jog before crossing the finish line in the 100-meter dash at the 2008 Beijing Games. He's a total ham who loves not only running but also the energy and attention of being a performer. He'd probably join an a cappella group too, definitely all-male, swaggering up to the front to sing some decidedly sexual solo. If Dartmouth had superlatives, he'd win "most likely to be featured in a mupload from a tails event" and "most likely to have his own talk show." Bursting with talent and personality, Usain may just be a bit too big-time for the Dartmouth bubble.

Advertise your student group in The Dartmouth for free!