We'll start with some snarky grabber (and a comment in parentheses to make said sentence actually snarky). But what's this about a "grabber" why are we even worried about getting you to read our shit in the first place?? This whole thing could be crap but you better believe it won't be and you'd all still read it anywayz because the truth is that when you say you "read The D" you actually only read The Mirror (insert self-call here).
There's no way we tried too hard to write that first graf and that's why you heart us. You're still reading and it's clear we've got you hooked not to be confused with "hooked up," though I understand your confusion. The term "hook up" is SO ambiguous! Lolz!
All these Dartmouth jokez will never get old! You know it and we know you know it, hence why we reference one every five secondz. Side note: All plural wordz are funnier when they end in a z.
Real talk: Let's real talk about everything Dartmouth all the time because we want to give you something to shit on in random convos Mostly because we can't stand to listen to you talk about the weather anymore we know it sucks, almost as much as your attempt at conversation sucks. (Insert snark about how everyone at Dartmouth is awkward because we were all studying on Saturday nights in high school while everyone else worked on other important things, like social skillz).
The real question at hand here is why hasn't there been a hashtag yet?! Get that shit in here, or even better, straight up #HASHTAGTHEF*CKINGSHIT out of this article. #SorryI'mnotsorryforturningeverythingintoahashtag but the truth is that #youknowyouloveit.
Now that we've got the basics covered, we can move on to all the things that are things at Dartmouth. We take ourselves just seriously enough to be smart about these things while we take you on a lollercoaster of real talk (read: incomprehensible bullshit). Clearly we've been hanging around FFB and Collis getting mad facetime today and we're ready to rage with everyone we know, which is literally every single person at Dartmouth.
So put on your fracket (but not a black North Face because we won't wait around for you to find it because time at Dartmouth measured exclusively by 10s, 12s and 10As moves really effing quickly). We work hard and play hard so before you do anything, boot and rally, get weird and be prepared to shotgun Keystone @now. All your pong dates, tails, random hook ups, carefully crafted flitzes and run-ins with S&S will for sure prepare you for the real world (ahem, corporate recruiting AH!) just as much as your econ major will, right?!?! Realtalk though, we're gonna tell it like it is and show you that everything you learn at D has a truth to it and it's all relevant to real life (is that even a thing?!).
So if being a betch or frat bro isn't quite your thing, it's aight cause we embrace everybody here. Because like you, we've failed and been rejected as much as we've succeeded at using self-calls and non-sequitors as paragraph transitions.
Because we love-hate tossing our cookies on the Green as much as we do trolling B@B. Because we've sat in the stacks on a Saturday night telling ourselves we were being productive while we watched a constant stream of muploads on Facebook. Because we've been the most shitfaced of anybody at Dartmouth at 3 a.m. on a Monday. Because we're always down to hit the gym and sweat our asses off and/or drunkenly order EBAs at 2:10 a.m.
You give us Dartmouth and we give you The Mirror, where we bitch about and/or heart Dartmouth and give you the material to bitch about and/or heart us. Because the truth is that we know you'll appreciate us when pretending to check Blitz just doesn't cut it and you desperately need something really interesting to distract you while you desperately try to avoid any interaction with your random hook up who is conveniently standing behind you in line at FoCo @now. #Dartmouthproblemz
