Dear Freak of the Week,
My partner and I are in the same friend group, but I’m realizing now that we aren’t compatible as dating partners and we’re better off as friends. How do I go about this in a way that won’t ruin our friendship or the friend group and also doesn’t make me look like an asshole?
- Friends Forever?
This situation is, unfortunately, very common. Proximity leads to attraction. Look around at your female friends and their boyfriends. It’s science! And you know who’s in close proximity? People in friend groups. Yikes.
The worst thing you could do here is stay in a relationship just to avoid discomfort. You’re already being thoughtful by worrying about how this will affect everyone. That’s a good sign. But if you’ve realized you’re not romantically compatible, the kindest and most mature thing you can do is be honest. Yes, it will be awkward. Yes, it might be sad. But dragging it out only makes the eventual fallout messier.
Say something like, “I’ve recently realized that as much as I care about you, I think we’re better as friends. I really value our connection, and I want to protect that, even if it looks different now.” Then give them space to react. Try not to take it personally. No matter how clean and cordial the breakup is, hurt feelings are unavoidable.
The friendship may shift. That’s okay. You took that risk when you started dating. But no time with someone is wasted. Every close relationship, romantic or not, teaches you something.
As for the friend group, you can’t control their response. But think about it: would you rather be the couple everyone tiptoes around because something’s obviously off, or the two people who figured things out like adults and made a graceful pivot to friendship? Personally, I’d pick the latter.
At the end of the day, you can’t help how you feel, and you can’t control how someone else responds. All you can do is voice your feelings and hope that the other person will be receptive.
Good luck!
- Leila
Oh, the dreaded friend group romance. We all know — or have been in — at least one of these groups where the dynamic quickly shifts from friends hanging out to an overlapping web of jealousy and awkwardness. I find that most of the time, this messiness results in the group’s demise. Sometimes though, if the relationship is handled maturely, the group can actually come out stronger on the other side.
That said, I want to manage expectations. There’s no guarantee that ending things with this person won’t end your relationship with them entirely. And there’s definitely no guarantee that it won’t permanently change — and maybe completely ruin — the group dynamic. That doesn’t make ending the relationship any less necessary, though. In fact, it gives you even more of an imperative to go about this quickly and respectfully. Let’s face it – right now, you aren’t living your “real life.” You’ve realized that you work better as friends with this person, and ever since then you have been putting on a performance for them, and for the group as a whole. The longer that you live in this reality, the more disruptive it will be to your real relationships within the group, and the more difficult it will be for you mentally.
You’ve got to sit the person down and tell them the truth. If I were you, I’d frame the conversation in a nuanced “it’s not you, it’s me” way. You both agreed to enter into this relationship together, and now you realize that it was a mistake. Acknowledge that you understand that it might be impossible for them to look at you as a friend again. Offer space, and take it, too. A little distance — from them and maybe the group — is probably necessary at first. Eventually, if you feel up to it, try reinitiating. Show the group you’re still invested in the dynamic you had before.
I’m sure you will get intel from your other friends about how they feel about the situation. Pay close attention to all of this. If it seems like people are struggling to adjust to the change, try to figure out why or maybe just give it more time.
None of this will be easy. But staying in a situation that feels wrong is much harder in the long run. I hope this all works out well for you!
- Eli
Freak of the Week is a weekly relationship advice column co-written by Leila Brady ’27 and Eli Moyse ’27. If you’d like to submit a question, email it to dartmouthfreakoftheweek@gmail.com
Eli Moyse ’27 is an opinion editor and columnist for The Dartmouth. He is from Connecticut, and studies government and creative writing.
On campus, Eli is an active member of the Dartmouth Political Union and Dartmouth Army ROTC. He attends Dartmouth on an ROTC scholarship, and upon graduation, he will commission as a Second Lieutenant in the U.S. Army. He has been an active writer and political organizer from a young age, working on over 15 political campaigns varying from local to presidential races, and publishing both fiction and nonfiction on various platforms.
First and foremost, Eli loves to write, and he intends to make some form of it his full time career after his time in the Army.
