Stall Street Journal ... You Need Help?

by Annabel Edelson | 11/17/11 11:00pm

Have you been in this bathroom stall all day hiding from the demons that are out to get you? If so, you are probably a paranoid schizophrenic or on drugs.

Are you using toilet paper to tie off your upper arm in order to shoot heroin into your vein? If so, you may be a heroin addict.

Are you snorting blow off of the toilet seat? If so, we hope it's clean.

Have you ever tried to pack this (toilet) bowl? If so, did it work? Blitz us.

Have you ever attempted, successfully or not, a toilet bowl stand? If so you might have a drinking problem.

Have you ever given yourself a swirlie? If so, take a shower, then come see us about bullying (but not vice versa).

Do you enjoy giving or receiving blumpkins? If so, you are gross, but call us you may have an STD.

If any/all of these apply to you, you may need help. Talk to someone at Dick's House, and they may diagnose you as a drug addict, sex addict, psychopath, alcoholic and/or pregnant person. Please make an appointment Dick's House may be able to help you out soon.**##

  • "Soon" refers to sometime in the next three years.