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The Dartmouth
April 14, 2024 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

A Roommate of My Own

Bad roommates are surprisingly hard to come by these days. Everyone has his shit together and knows what he wants to do with the rest of his life. But if you do find yourself saddled with a crazy, fear not my friends. As it turns out, a bad roommate can be the ticket to a happy and successful life.

From your basic dirty-dishes fiend to that guy who pees on your bed when you steal his orange juice, many positives can come out of having a bad roommate. Having a shitty roommate is actually one of the most fortunate things that can happen to you at Dartmouth and is a little-known secret to long-lasting success. Every successful person from Dr. Seuss to Nelson Rockefeller has experienced at least one bad roommate in his or her life.

Dirty-Dish Fiend: This is the guy who leaves all his or, more likely your dirtydishes lying around the room long after the flies start to swarm. Not to worry since you'll be cleaning up after this roommate in order to avoid a rat infestation, this gem will ultimately help you become a much better spouse.

Pee Pee Patrol: This is the roommate who drunkenly pees all over your stuff. While this roommate is typically a guy, there have been many an unexplained drawer-piss incident in women's rooms as well. On the plus side, you will get WAY better at doing laundry. It's really a necessary skill and there's always the opportunity to get mad facetime in the steamy, Downy-soft basement.

Mister Masturbation: Yep, we're talking about that guy who refuses to follow "the schedule," either due to deep-seated exhibitionist tendencies or a compulsion to beat off more than twice a day. Not classy, bro. No matter what, the level of awkwardness will bring you two closer together. And once you get over the initial awkwardness of avoiding eye contact with your roommie, you'll automatically have an arsenal of hilarious dinner-party stories to last for the next 20 years.

The Holy Roller: This is the dude who is constantly toking up in the room, while desperately and usually unsuccessfully trying to blow the smoke out the window before you're home from your 2A. Don't be a dumbass: If it's really an issue, you can go ahead and report it this campus is A-OK with narcs. If your style is a bit more subtle, you can take advantage of the situation to get high (read: "accidentally" get smoked out). Plus, if your roommate has weed, you can bribe him to do things for you with cookies. High people will do anything for cookies.

Kreepy Klepto: This is the guy who steals all your stuff, neither asking to borrow it nor returning it. Face it: In the real world, people aren't going to be as nice as your little sister, who always returns your lax pinny after borrowing it. You need to lock your door or risk losing your stuff. On the other hand, you can just get especially good at hiding things, which is going to be useful after your second divorce when your gold-digging girlfriend tries to steal your grandmother's fortune or your grandmother.

The Mangy Mooch: One of the most prevalent types of bad roommates out there, this is the one who eats all your food and yet makes no contributions to the snack jar. Since he or she will be consuming all the food, you'll have just enough motivation to face your healthy eating resolutions from last January. Plus, all the food your mom hand-delivered from Westchester is lethal when combined with all those Psi U dice calories. The mangy mooch will allow you to cut back on your gym time and focus on important things like getting girls, drinking more and raging even harder.

Sexual Deviant: At some point, you're bound to be sexiled. The sexual deviant is that pesky roommate who makes this a habit so much so that you find yourself living on that oddly mute neighbor's futon. That said, the sexual deviant opens the door to so many potential friendships on your floor. More importantly, it's an excuse to sleep in other people's rooms, creep on them and potentially sexile their roommates.

Stinky Pete: This final specimen is identified by its distinctive smell and disheveled look, along with its oddly monosyllabic first name. This roommate will make you appreciate your mother forcing you to brush your teeth every morning she always said those good habits were bound to pay off in the future, goddammit!

And finally, bad roommates make for hilarious stories later on! When your kids ask you and your spouse who most likely went through a similar situation here at Dartmouth about your past, these are the gems that will come floating to the surface. The bad roommate tales will get a laugh out of your decrepit frat bros, money and woolens out of your mother and a much-needed sympathy f*ck from your significant other. No matter what the circumstance, you'll always be able to turn that horrendous roommate into a learning lesson that would make your mama proud.