Star-struck: Stumbling Upon a GOP Candidate

by Myrel Iturrey | 10/6/11 10:00pm

Go on, I dare you. Approach a Republican presidential candidate on Main Street. Disturb his or her morning coffee. Say something profound after all, he or she could be the next president.

You can already expect eager government majors to hound politicians with criticism of their economic policies, but if you're looking to make a lasting impression (or if, like me, you live for awkward moments), whip out one of these zingers.

Ron Paul

"I'll babysit anything you own for a 30 rack."

The Texas congressman was quite the bro in college. A close friend and fraternity brother frequently babysat Paul's first child during their senior year of college in exchange for a couple cans of beer. A worthy transaction, by any standard.

Newt Gingrich

"Don't worry. After spending four days in the New Hampshire wilderness, I lied about seeing a moose, too."

Before you get all gooey and nostalgic inside, no, Gingrich did not go on a DOC trip. He did, however, embark on a moose-watching expedition in New Hampshire circa 1995. Gingrich and his right-hand advisors all swore they had spotted the beast, but their media caravan couldn't confirm a sighting. We feel your pain, Newt. It can be our little secret.

Jon Huntsman, Jr.

"What's your middle name?"

It's Meade. That may be the second most unpleasant combination of letters in the English language right after "moist."

Michele Bachmann

Scene: Bachmann is sitting in the Dirt Cowboy window seat. You creep to her side and say, "If you really want to people-watch, there's a hedge over there that may be more comfortable than this booth."

Photographs show Michelle Bachmann spying on a gay rights rally from behind a bush. It was a long time ago, and she still hasn't heard the end of it. One may consider taking the high road by accepting her excuse "I was just resting my heels" and moving on. The rest of us are still amused and will stick to cracking jokes about it.

Gary Johnson

"Have you tried Lou's MILE-HIGH pie?"

Throw in a wink to maximize awkwardness.

Johnson admitted to using marijuana for medicinal purposes from 2005 to 2008 and has since advocated for its legalization. The insinuation may go right over his head, but in the off chance he invites you to sesh right on.

Mitt Romney

"If you had a vote for everyone in your family tree "

This one's more of a low-blow. The media has had a field day with Romney's Mormon ancestry. His great-grandfather is reported to have married a fifth wife in 1897, and his great-great-grandfather's tally would put any frat bro to shame. But polygamy in the Mormon faith was phased out long ago, and Romney's 37-year marriage has outlasted the marriages of most other candidates. Ironic indeed.