Getting to Know the GOP

by David Brooks | 10/6/11 10:00pm

There have been plenty of opportunities to poke fun at the president over the last few years, such as incorporating drinking games into the State of the Union Address (the phrase "let me be clear" was easily responsible for the most shots taken since his inauguration). Now presidential primary season is upon us at Dartmouth, and since there are no Democratic primary challengers to poke fun at, I'm forced to focus my affection solely on the Republicans. In case you're unfamiliar with the participants in Tuesday's debate, I've compiled a fun little profile to help familiarize you yourself with the candidates:

Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minn.

Bachmann put the Granite State on the map at an event hosted by the Republican Liberty Caucas of New Hampshire, when she informed a group of students and activists that they were in "the state where the shot was heard around the world in Lexington and Concord." Known for her more than occasional odd comments "And what a bizarre time we're in, when a judge will say to little children that you can't say the pledge of allegiance, but you must learn that homosexuality is normal and you should try it" Bachmann creates a stir whenever she speaks but is seen as a hot shot at the debates. A potential reason? She rivals Rick Perry in the power category with her impressive suits!

Bachmann's platform is big on platitudes but short on particulars, save one repealing Obamacare. According to her campaign site, Bachmann's platform is centered on five areas job creation and growth (Repeal Obamacare!), no debt ceiling increase (Repeal Obamacare!), a healthier America (Repeal Obamacare!), a more secure nation (Did you know gays are having sex in uniform?!) and affordable energy (Drill baby drill! Oh, and repeal Obamacare!!!). She has disdain for the EPA, which she calls "the Job Killing Agency" and chastises the current Administration for "overreacting to the BP oil spill."

If you hate Obamacare and love offshore drilling, this is your candidate.

Businessman Herman Cain

Baptist minister and the former CEO of Omaha-based pizza company Godfather's Pizza, Cain is known for his amusing quips in response to Mitt Romney's tax plan he claimed, "That dog won't hunt." He is currently touting his 999 plan (an inverted 666 plan just saying), which involves dismantling the current tax code in favor of a 9 percent business flat tax, a 9 percent personal income tax and a 9 percent national sales tax.

If you hate taxes and Muslims make you "uncomfortable," this is your candidate.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, R-Ga.

Gingrich has always reminded me of a pissed off, clean-shaven Santa. Although Gingrich courageously defends the "sanctity of marriage," his three previous marriages are not relevant to the discussion and he does not appreciate them being brought up. (At 19, he married his first wife his former high school geometry teacher. Hot.)

Gingrich's policy particulars should be in his forthcoming 21st century contract with America. Until then, you can visit his website and suggest executive orders to be implemented on his first day in office. (Have at it!)

If you have a fear of sharia law being applied in the United States and have nostalgia for Congress of the 1990s, this is your candidate.

Gov. Jon Huntsman, R-Utah

Jon Huntsman is one presidential term away from becoming a stunning silver fox in the same vein as the two Coopers Sterling and Anderson. A former governor and ambassador for the Obama administration (gasp!), Huntsman is considered the most liberal candidate of the pack, mainly because he believes in evolution, global warming and civil unions. (How dare he!) Despite his crazy scientific beliefs, Huntsman is typically conservative on economic issues, supporting a simplified tax code and lower taxes.

If you like pissing off the Tea Party, this is your candidate.

Rep. Ron Paul, R-Texas

Paul is a likeable little anarcho-captalist who always has a smile on his face. When not voting "no!" on almost every piece of legislation submitted, Dr. Paul delivered over 4,000 babies.

If you like smoking blunts and hate most government agencies, this is your candidate.

Gov. Rick Perry, R-Texas

Perry entered the race riding a wave of support and the sweet-ass wave in his hair. Perry suffered through three shaky debate performances but has come out on top in the "power tie" category every time. (It's important to dress the part!)

Seriously, the most applause Perry generated at a debate wasn't for anything he said but instead the pronouncement that more executions have taken place under his watch than under any governor in U.S. history. (I wonder if that gets you into Guinness.)

If you like sweet hair, southern charm and executions, this is your candidate.

Former Gov. Mitt Romney, R-Mass.

Romney exudes presidential beautiful windswept hair, a flashy smile and the tendency to say one thing and do another.

Romney is seen as the establishment candidate and has distanced himself from some of his former views and legislation. (Apparently supporting gays and providing a very popular medical system didn't strike a chord with the base).

Whenever I see Romney, I think of Guy Smiley bouncing around mouth agape. (Seriously, Mitt Romney Guy Smiley, google that ish)

The Republicans love giving the nod to the candidate who has paid his dues, so Romney will be one to watch.

If you like the safe bet, this is your candidate.

Sen. Rick Santorum, R-Penn.

Former Senator Rick Santorum needs no introduction just google his last name (but not at work). Santorum is a firebrand of the social conservatives, particularly in respect to issues involving homosexuality. In response to the repeal of "Don't Ask Don't Tell" mentioned in the last debate, Santorum said, "I would say, any type of sexual activity has absolutely no place in the military."

If you enjoy heterosexual copulation explicitly within the bounds of marriage, in missionary position only, no talking allowed, lights completely out this is your candidate.

So there you have it a quick, lighthearted glimpse at the people who want to be your next president. Whether or not you vote for any of them is up to you, but take the chance to get to know 'em. At this point it should be obvious: You'll never know what you might find out.