So what's the deal with Novack? Why are the lines so long? Why is everyone who works there so good-looking? Why do the Hot Pockets taste like they've been cooked in a dishwasher? Well, I can't really answer any of those questions. But, I can single out Novack archetypes who make the lines longer and the staff angrier. (Note: Treat all names as androgynous. This is not subtle gender commentary.)
Elitist Erin
When Erin goes to "her caf" in "The City," she always gets her double iced, double shot, seven pump peppermint mocha quickly not to mention steaming hot, and served with a cheery smile and a "top of the morning to you, Sunshine." Naturally, Erin expects the same quality of service at Novack, as it is her God-given right to be served coffee and pastries. Not only does the service have to be impeccable, but the music (Jack Johnson, obviously) has to be the perfect volume. After all, Erin has a very important group project to work on, so all of Novack should cater to her delicate sensibilities. Furthermore, Erin has been socialized to see anyone wearing a uniform as a sub-person, so she quickly becomes rattled when she realizes that the person taking her order is a fellow student (gasp!) or, even more shockingly, a friend of hers (shut up!).
Good Sam-able Sam
Sam is drunk. Really drunk. And he wants everyone to know that he isn't in the library to study. Oh no, he came to make party. As he approaches the counter, he subtly emphasizes the slur in his speech and stumbles for effect. While he's waiting for his two Hot Pockets to cook, he recounts to no one in particular the tree series that he has just played and re-enacts the incredible foot-body save, slam, sink that sealed his victory. Sam would totally be nomming an EBAs pizza while he racked his next 14 games, but then the library wouldn't realize how hard he is being drunk and all on a Tuesday night.
Soft-Spoken Susan
Susan hates social interactions. When it's her turn to order, she stands eight feet from the counter and whispers her request. At first, it's unclear that she wants anything at all, as she refuses to make eye contact with anything but the floor tiles. But after everyone else gets their food and leaves, and Susan's still there mumbling away, we realize that she does in fact want an item or two. After we turn off the music, lean on the counter and soothingly coax Susan to a comfortable yet practical distance, she hastily orders a tea and then retreats back to her previous position. Since we at Novack lack Professor Trelawney's divination skills, we have to ask Susan what type and size of tea she wants. This interrogation nearly causes her to have a panic attack, and she studies exclusively in her room for the rest of the term.
Loitering Larry
Unlike everyone else in line at Novack, Larry doesn't want to order anything. Instead, Larry wants to talk to every person he's ever met and potentially make a new best friend. Since hunger isn't his primary motivation, Larry is completely oblivious to the fact that, as a capitalist enterprise, Novack needs to serve customers to generate revenue. He chits and he chats while he blissfully ignores the employee asking for his order. After he buys a highlighter, he recounts the minutia of his spring break for the eighth time and then finally saunters back to his study space. To make matters worse, Larry maintains an impressive ratio of nine Novack visits per hour.
If you find that you have anything in common with the aforementioned people, consider drastically changing your personality. And if you observe any of these people next time you're at Novack, ostracize them until they conform to social norms.
