So, you guys
These are the only three words I've managed to type in the past two hours. And they're not even politically correct. But I have to fill this page. Every week. This is the 18th time this year that I've been expected to be brilliant and hilarious. (All the other times it's just spontaneous.) It's exhausting. And as with everything else I once did on campus that required any modicum of effort, I'm inclined to quit. But I can't do that to you people. So, after my editors refused to accept my proposal to draw this week's column (with Milky Pens), I realized that I'd have to think of something. And, suddenly I had an epiphany: "Voila! (The majority of my epiphanies start with voila!') Write a column about grasping at straws!"
Thus, I give you a column about the things I almost wrote my column about.
"Grasping at straws"Why this topic: Because if it were literally about that, I'd be very clever.Why not: Because it's really not hard to grasp a straw. They're fairly small.
"How Dartmouth has changed me"Why: Because it's the theme this week.Why not: Because Dartmouth has made me incapable of providing any relevant contributions to the community. (See: this whole column.)
"The weather"Why: Because it's crazy right now!Why not: Because that's all I could come up with.
"The updated (not so) Recent Photos section of Facebook"Why: Because no one wants these photo memories resurfacing. Zuckerberg pwning literally everyone.Why not: Because I'm busy stalking your prom pictures right now. That tiara was a fine choice.
"The fine line between compliment and insult"Why this topic: Because the phrase "Oh, that's flattering" doesn't make anyone feel any better.Why not: Because sometimes I need to find a polite way to call attention to your muffin top.
"Finding the silver lining in The Class of 1953 Commons"Why: Because the setup leads me to believe it was designed for dinner theater due to the dramatic balcony and ample performance space near the entrance.Why not: Because I didn't ask for entertainment. I asked for teriyaki salmon on brown rice.
"Finding the rain cloud in The Class of 1953 Commons"Why: Because there are no grilled sandwiches. Or Halal cookies. Or lemon pepper chicken. Or joy.Why not: Because now I'm sad. And hungry.
"Who's more evil: Hitler or the class of 1953?"Why: Because it seems like a toss-up.Why not: Because it wasn't a toss-up. Hitler was pretty bad.
"People I hate"Why: Because I hate you, person-still-doing-Borat-impressions. And I hate you, person-who-cuts-in-front-of-me. And I hate you, person-who-can-only-talk-about-The-Class-of-1953-Commons.Why not: Because I also hate hypocrites.
"Charlie Sheen"Why: Because all the cool kids are talking about him.Why not: Because if I hear another cool kid say "hashtag winning," I'm gonna hashtag vomit.
"What comes before Friday?"Why: Because I've always wondered.Why not: Because it's Thursday.
"What comes after Saturday?"Why: Because it's quite the pickle.Why not: Because it's Sunday.
"Which seat can you take when your friends are in the front seat and the back seat?"Why: Because there are no seats left for you.Why not: Because Rebecca Black can solve any riddle. On top of the car, it is.
"Something about Bieber"Why: Because there's always something to say about Bieber.Why not: Because. Too many emotions.
And I'm out. Are you sad? Do you feel like I cheated you by not delivering at least 500 words on one of the above topics? I'm guessing not. I'm also guessing you stopped reading after you realized there would be no Milky Pens involved this week. Or because you're too busy partyin' partyin' yeah. Either way. No grudge. It's Friday.
