So, the theme of the Mirror this week is "Real Talk." Which, just as a warning, is something I'm not particularly good at. It's much easier for me to stand on a soapbox and rant than to get deeply personal. And that's probably because I don't always like what I see in myself, and I care too much what others think of me. But here goes:
Friends are hard to keep. At least, I have found this to be true at Dartmouth.
Maybe it's because of the D-Plan. Maybe it's because of all the activities we do to keep ourselves busy. Whatever the reason, it's so easy to become incredibly close to someone here only to then drift slowly apart.
It's no one person's fault, really. It just kind of happens. Maybe it was a class that you took or an FSP that drew you together, or living on the same floor that kept you close. But then you're off for a term and neither of you is very good at staying in touch. Or you're both back on campus, convinced things will pick up right where you left off. At least that's what you tell yourself. Only somehow that doesn't happen.
Finding consistency at Dartmouth can be hard, particularly in relationships with other people. Sometimes it's you who's changed. Sometimes it's the other person. And sometimes, it's Dartmouth who's done all the changing. The fact is, we don't always grow together, and sometimes we grow apart.
While at Dartmouth, I've belonged to many different friend groups. And I've tried to be many different people's best friend. It took me a long time longer than most to learn what it means to be a true friend at Dartmouth and to find real friends. And to be completely honest, I'm still learning.
But what I've learned so far is this: Relying too much on one person is unhealthy and can destroy a friendship. It places unrealistic expectations on a friendship that neither person can live up to in the end. It took me too long to realize this. I kept making the same mistakes.
And I hurt too many people in the process. I'll never forget the conversation I had with a friend in which he asked me, "Did you really stop being my friend because you thought it made you a better person?"
The answer to this would, of course, be a resounding no, but the fact is I didn't always behave as a true friend should. And sometimes once you've hurt someone, you can't undo the hurt that's already been done. Because no matter how much you want to fix things, being in each other's presence only serves to remind you of what you once shared but no longer do. That said, some things are better left unsaid some friendships aren't meant to be repaired. When people grow apart they usually do so for a set of reasons. The reasons need not always be vitriolic and full of angst. Sometimes the reasons we grow apart are so natural that we don't even realize what's happened until we pass each other on the street, wave, and think how nice it would be to have lunch only we don't suggest it because we don't want to make another lunch date that we'll never keep.
The people at Dartmouth make this College what it is. But there are simply too many people here to be close friends with all of them. Some friends will be coffee dates. Others will be dinner dates and the occasional "let's hang out." And this is fine natural, even. Sometimes we only get to know a person in a certain context, but this doesn't make these friendships any less valuable, just different. Sometimes it's a lunch date with a person you're not as close to that you'll remember forever.
Dartmouth can feel small sometimes, like you know everyone. But Dartmouth can also be incredibly lonely. It can be hard to forge "lasting friendships" how do you know which friendships are lasting? Who are those life-long friends you'll call when you're old and gray?
The impact friends have on your life at Dartmouth cannot be underestimated. Friends are perhaps the most crucial element of the Dartmouth experience. But they are also hard to keep. It can be difficult to know which friends are for real, but you can't let this stop you from reaching out.
The truth is, you have to let yourself be vulnerable even when you don't know how things will pan out. Because chances are, none of us knew coming in who our close friends would be at Dartmouth. Nor did we have any idea just how much our friendships would change at Dartmouth over the years. But it's okay.
Because no matter how a friendship turns out in the end, you still grow from it, and you still remember it. So never be too afraid to try and be somebody's friend. It might not work out for whatever reason, but who knows. It just might work, too.
