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The Dartmouth
May 28, 2024 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

The Drunkest Girls at the Party

How to defend yourself against sharks

We're serious, guys. Sharks are everywhere. EVERY. WHERE. There are fridge sharks and left UGG boot sharks and they're all psycho smangin' (smashing and banging fusion) killers. I guess we should start at the beginning.

As the two of us were innocently watching shark movies on the "Syfy" network on a lazy (hungover) Sunday, we came across some of the most profound facts since we discovered trollz in the periodicals (we're scientists!) and Four Loko (we're drunks!). Stealy snatching sharks are all over this campus. As the IMDB of the film Malibu Shark Attack states: "An underwater earthquake generates a tsunami that strikes Malibu, bringing a hunting pack of prehistoric-looking goblin sharks to the surface." Where are they coming from??? So, here is a description of various types of sharks and how to defend yourself against them.

Toilet sharks were the first sharks we discovered. These sharks are toilet sized versions of the very real "goblin shark" (see Wikipedia, weirdly it's real). These bitches are evil and have giant heads that they poke you with. They just tryna smang it, though. Toilet sharks disperse themselves around campus from their breeding grounds of the Chi Gam bathroom down Webster all the way to the parking lot of CVS (they don't cross into West Leb though, at least).

When stomping the halls of your house, you have to worry about closet sharks. Closet sharks are also known as the sharks who sit in the closet behind empty cans of gold spray paint secretly touching fins with one another and trying to snatch your husband and your shoes. The way to defeat the closet sharks is to force-feed them Peach Schnapps and make them watch Glee DVDs.

When studying you have to worry about book sharks (see Harry Potter) and the elevator sharks that try to steal your soul like Dementors when you take the elevator from ffB to Jones. They also steal MacBooks, chargers and pants. The trick to defeat sharks associated with studying is do whippits in 1902, never wear sleeves anywhere in the library and throw Sunja's sushi from Novack to distract the sharks in a jubilee of joy.

Next comes one of the most vicious and stealy sharks the shark that resides behind the rogue ATM in the basement of Collis. It sits and lingers, waiting to take your money and eat your card. The only way to fool the rogue ATM stealy-shark is to place an Oreo pie cake and 3.25 diet Snapples in front of the machine. While the shark noms you can collect your moneys and your scrap. Beware though: These sharks are also responsible for the theft of coats and other apparel in public frat spaces, in opposition to the purse-wielding sharks.

The next group of sharks are out to snatch your cigarettes and end your pong games: These are the purse wielding sharks. They reside exclusively in basements and near the Homeplate salad bar. These biddie sharks are pink (like the very real goblin sharks, see the same wiki as above), and are responsible for the theft of multiple items in brothers' rooms. The only way to distract these tricky ass sharks is to blast Miley Cyrus and then immediately fire a flare gun at their purse-wielding shark asses (see Malibu Shark Attack).

We wish we had a clever conclusion to tie this all together, but we don't. So: Hide ya kids, hide ya wife, hide ya coats because sharks be snatching everything up in here.