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The Dartmouth
May 28, 2024 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

How to Find Out Relevant Information About Someone You Only Sort of Know

Stop pretending this is exceedingly creepy. We all do it. I've seen you in Collis.

  1. The DND is your best friend.

Arguably the most important skill to master for any aspiring stalker, the DND aka Dartmouth Name Directory is clearly a sign from the heavens that you should get to know your fellow Dartmouth community members better! Maybe you met someone at the Ke$ha concert. Blame the chorus of "TiK ToK" or the jostling crowd for you not catching whether she said her name was Hannah or Anna, but thanks to the DND your encounter need not fall into the category of what-might-have-beens. Dig deep into the recesses of your glitter-coated memory and try to recall any shred of a last name

Let's all suspend our disbelief for a moment and assume for the purposes of this article that someone would actually want to find yours truly. If you're like me and suffered as a child from a lack of gift shop knick-knacks, pencils or bike license plates emblazoned with your name, you now have the additional (mis)fortune of being easily isolated in the DND. [Fact: There are only two entries under "Jamila." One is a prof.]

However, most Dartmouth students have names that the Starbucks barista can actually spell. Therefore:

  1. Be creative!

Don't know their class year? Solution: deductive reasoning. Was your mystery (wo)man last seen: lugging heavy books around the library and sleeping in 1902? Probably an '11 writing a thesis. Wearing bizarre clothing and singing in FoCo? '13 pledge. Rushing the field and/or touching the fire? Could be a '14. [Aside: '13s, worst class ever, seriously.] None of the above? Probably a '12 still mourning the death of 10X.

  1. Be endearingly persistent!

Look up their HB. (Look up my HB!) Send gifts. Chocolate is nice. Scour unrepressed recipient lists. Ask friends. It helps if you can provide clever character descriptions, such as a '12 that may or may not bear a striking resemblance to the newest male cast member of Glee. It's also possible that they prefer to go by their middle name. Noteworthy: John Quincy Darbyshire.

  1. Be observant!

An item of Greek and/or sports apparel can be key hello, DartmouthSports.com. What's their preferred facetime hotspot? Collis? The Gym? First Floor Berry? All pertinent clues. Take note.

  1. Facebook.com.

A treasure trove of information. Thank Mark Zuckerberg and the creators of Blitz for creating the ultimate tools in identity retrieval. Private profile? Stalk mutual friends' albums. Just don't do it on first floor Berry where he or she (or one of their close friends) can in all likelihood see you. But if you get caught, blame Facebook for making it exceedingly easy to filter by college network, etc. and wind up on the Facebook page of someone you don't even remotely know. Also, "See Friendship"? What's up with that?

What not to do: Ask anonymous and usually inappropriate questions about said person on Bored@Baker.

But perhaps the best and least creepy way that probably won't earn you a restraining order is to just introduce yourself. Who knows? Maybe they're just as curious about you. Say hi.