Different Strokes for Different Folks

by Will Stroker | 11/12/09 11:00pm

After hours of in-depth research (the Wikipedia page on "Religion and sexuality" is really long), I have compiled a collection of many religions' stances on such topics as sex, pornography, birth control and masturbation. In addition, I took it upon myself to relate these topics to the Dartmouth hook-up culture and provide advice for the religious students living on campus.

Catholicism

The Catholic Church's opposition to birth control and abortion is no secret. Sex is for making babies. I believe it was Pope Benedict XVI who lambasted Catholic Italians for having too few children fearing this "dangerous individualism" of women choosing to do things other than produce babies would lead to the downfall of the religion. Luckily for those at Dartmouth:

Getting too drunk to "get it up" is the best form of birth control NOT specifically prohibited by the Vatican.

Those shitty condoms outside your UGA's door are probably about as effective as Saran wrap, and should in no way be considered birth control.

Islam

The teachings and scriptures of Islam warn against a few things regarding sexuality that should be addressed for those living at Dartmouth. One teaching admonishes incest: "Prohibited to you are: Your mothers, daughters, sisters; father's sisters, mother's sisters..."

At Dartmouth, I propose an addendum:

"Prohibited to you ALSO are: Your floormates, trippees, fellow members of drill groups, roommate's ex-girlfriends, ex-girlfriend's roommates..."

Another teaching seems to suggest that a male should "satisfy" his wife before leaving the proverbial bed. Dartmouth students could certainly take a lesson from this: Notice use of the term "proverbial" bed. Women, this implies that wherever you are hooking up, whether it be the President's lawn, the Dr. Suess room or One Wheelock, make sure you don't let your partner leave until you are "satisfied."

"Satisfying" a woman does not mean ordering EBA's delivery from bed.

Mormonism

The Mormon Church is certainly not fond of premarital sex, but it also highly discourages masturbation, describing the act as a "habit-forming activity that quickly leads to other activities such as viewing pornography and participating in homosexual activities" (I was wondering why I have been so inclined to watch "Pirates" and hook up with other dudes lately ...).

The Church of Latter Day Saints, however, knows how difficult it is for adolescent boys to refrain from "arm-wrestling the one-eyed vessel," and has some helpful recommendations for avoiding such temptation (note: these are REAL):

During bathroom and shower activities, leave the door partly open, enough to keep from being totally alone, but still giving adequate privacy.

Avoid admiring yourself in the mirror while drying off and get out of the bathroom and into a room with a family member present as soon as possible.

Always wear pajamas at night, preferably ones that tie and/or are difficult to open.

Aversion therapy is often useful. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms and being forced to eat some while you masturbate.

While these tips are helpful in most cases, they may not always be effective at Dartmouth. Here are some additional pieces of advice from Will Stroker on how to eradicate temptation at college:

Never live in a single, especially in the River.

In the vein of aversion therapy, think of being forced to eat a slice of Food Court pizza or falling into the gorf at AD, while masturbating.

Buy a Dell laptop, which will soon be too slow and riddled with viruses even to log onto Facebook, let alone watch Internet porn.

Neopaganism

Last, but certainly not least, I thought it was important to address the beliefs of the Neopagans living among us. Neopagan and Wiccan traditions teach followers to be positive about sexuality, encouraging consensual sex among adults, regardless of gender or age. In addition, according to the Wiccan Charge of the Goddess, "All acts of love and pleasure are rituals."

In order to make your lovemaking more ritualistic at Dartmouth, I only have one suggestion: Incorporate the Sun God.

Ask him what else he can do with that lightsaber of his. See if he has any Barry White to blast from those iPod speakers conveniently attached to his belt.

If you are into exhibition, he always has a camera with him. Just make sure you don't let him tag you on Facebook ... he is friends with EVERYONE.

Even if he refuses to join, make sure you hook up with someone right in front of him in the middle of the Green. Stop allowing him to cock block everyone trying to complete the Dartmouth Seven. It's gone on for long enough.

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