Different Strokes for Different Folks

by Will Stroker | 11/19/09 11:00pm

As much as we would like to deny it, another Hanover winter is well on its way. Luckily for students unfortunate enough to have to stay in New Hampshire for the next three months, a plethora of new winter products will certainly make life and more specifically, sex life a little more bearable this winter season.

North Face All-Weather Condoms

This winter, North Face will be releasing its new line of gortex-insulated and fleece-lined condoms. Ensured to keep you warm wherever you decide to do the dirty, these new all-weather condoms are also reusable, further reducing your carbon footprint and increasing sustainability across campus. These are sure to be a popular item this winter, and will be available exclusively in black, so make sure you write your name on the tag in case you leave yours at a frat. Starting at $59.99, additional $10 will upgrade to the waterproof edition with vents for breathability.

North Face Sexy Winter-wear

Having trouble attracting the attention of the opposite sex while bundled up in fleeces, scarves and snowboots? This year, North Face is making winter the new summer with its release of a sexy line of winter-wear. Start off with a two-piece fleece bikini, designed to keep you hot and looking hot! Combine this with the new chemically engineered spray-on tan, developed by temperaturologists to give you that orange California glow in the middle of a cold Hanover winter. The product's new insulating properties keep you warm even in the absence of clothing, and in addition, scientists have added SPF 50 sunscreen to protect your skin from the bright winter sun! To complete the outfit, purchase a pair of North Face snow boot stilettos, which are waterproof and just as difficult to walk in as normal stilettos!

"Dartmouth Scents" Moisturizers

As temperatures drop and your skin becomes drier than wheat toast at the Hop, it is common knowledge that the hook-up rate begins to plummet as well. Now there is an easy and inexpensive way to combat this phenomenon, with new artisan "Dartmouth Scents" Moisturizers! Not only will your skin remain silky smooth, but you will also be able to strut around campus smelling like your favorite aspect of Dartmouth. Men's scents: "Frat Basement," "Foco Grill," and "Crew Practice." Women's scents: "Collis Cafe," "Post-Gym," and "Frat Basement." Available for only $8.99 per 0.5 oz. bottle at Topside this winter. The Singing Vibradiator

Ever dreamed of listening to holiday jingles, pleasuring yourself, and staying warm ... all at the same time? Now your dreams can finally come true, thanks to the new three-in-one vibrator! It plays all of your holiday favorites, from "Jingle Bells" to "Silent Night," and even "The Dreidel Song." If your roommate happens to leave the window open, just use the battery-powered heating function to stay warm and toasty while you satisfy yourself.

Keystone Anti-Freeze

Tired of playing pong in sub-zero weather and trying to sink frozen cups of Keystone? Having trouble getting drunk with beer popsicles? Just add a few drops of the new Keystone Anti-Freeze to any brew to keep it as smooth and lukewarm as ever! Let's face it, you can't hook up without pong.Holiday-flavored Lubricants

If you are trying to "spice up" your sex life during the holidays and winter season this year, look no further. Three new lines of flavored lubricants evoke all of those nostalgic childhood memories associated with the winter festivities. General winter-inspired flavors include "Hotter Chocolate," "Egg Nog Ecstasy," and "Snow Splendor" (unflavored). The exclusive Christmas collection features such aromatic flavors as "Cookies and Milk," "Pine Needle Delight," and "Wrapping Paper Pleasure." The special Hanukkah edition includes the classic flavors of "Olive Oil," "Latka Lube," and "Candle Wax."

Nuva Ring Holiday Wreath

Those boring old Nuva Rings just got a little "funner," with the introduction of the novel Holiday Wreath edition.

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