Ask Miss Muffin Top

by Miss Muffin Top | 11/19/09 11:00pm

Dear Miss Muffin Top,

I'm so excited to get away this winter and escape the Hanover cold, but I'm really into the guy I've been seeing. What's the off-term protocol? Is there a way to keep this possibility alive?


Dear ODP,

Luckily for you, Miss Muffin Top has ample coursework in international relations. It might be the chardonnay, but Miss Muffin Top has found that the more she studies, the less she finds any hard and fast rules when it comes to off-term protocol. You are correct, however, to hedge your bets. The fruits of the European club scene, namely Spaniards who approach groin first, are a basic human right when it comes to off-term experiences, and while you seem into your hunny, the aisle does not appear to be in sight so bottoms up! Eighteen and legal!

That being said, Miss Muffin Top has found that there are certainly ways to keep the interest alive. She is a great advocate of the art of the "flitz." Off terms present the perfect opportunity for a well-composed flitz. Polish your anecdotes. Pay attention to your sentence structure. Or, at a very minimum, break out from the dearth of creativity which dominates the "How was your 10A?" conversation. Still, even if it is just to complain about the shoddy construction of your Ikea bunkbeds or the utter incomprehensibility of your host mother, name in inbox is always a positive if fostering interest is your goal.

Alternatively, in the inertia-governed universe that is Dartmouth, doing nothing will almost certainly not jeopardize your future happiness with your fling. Off terms are inherently weird. In the age of the Internet, your hunny could still be more available while saving the third world than from the bowels of his i-bank, and nearly everyone reverts to business as usual upon their return.

Miss Muffin Top counsels that, when it comes to the foreign affairs, despite what your Government 5 professor claims, there are no rules. No communication can be benign or a brush-off, and over communication can be simply a symptom of loneliness, or sweet pining. So proceed with caution, and manage your expectations. And should his Skype game be more staring than sonnets, then it turns out Australia is really far away, and you barely get Internet. Grab a Foster's and find a towhead.

Bon Voyage!Miss Muffin Top

Dear Miss Muffin Top,

I'm a freshman, and I couldn't bear to break it off with my high school girlfriend before I came to school. We've tried to make it work, but I think it's time to cut and run. How do I approach this?

 Homeward Bound 

Dear Bound,

Ah, Thanksgiving, the season universally feared by birds and birds alike. Miss Muffin Top loves a festive holiday, especially one devoted so centrally to food and wine. And one of the most time-honored traditions of this season, along with cornucopias and forced marches festively disguised as "Turkey Trots," is the annual collective severing of ties between high school lovers. Breaking up is hard to do, no doubt, but take solace, dear Bound, the "turkey drop" is a widely anticipated event, usually by both parties.

Even if your hometown hunny still envisions herself as the Penelope to your Odysseus, waiting faithfully for your return, chances are the possibility of a breakup has crossed her mind. No sane outsider can truly stomach an explanation of bonfire ritual, or a play-by-play retelling of that one epic pong game, without coming to the conclusion that you are undoubtedly leading different lives.

The most difficult aspects of the turkey drop, Miss Muffin Top has found, are the logistics. Thanksgiving break is busy! Best to wait until after you kinfolk descend. It's always unpleasant to have to explain to Grandma why Susie isn't coming around for dessert this year or worse, to endure the awkwardly culturally savvy Aunt who may invoke the dreaded term "turkey drop" with a knowing smile. So this basically leaves the sacrosanct REM cycles of Friday and the inevitable panic-stricken Saturday and Sunday to break the news to Susie.

In fact, this may work to your advantage. When it comes to breakups, brief is better. Less tears, less probing at sensitive, emotional depths, and more time for debating the merits of pong over beruit with your home state bros. Further, a diplomatic resolution will come in handy when you come back to your hunny begging for forgiveness mid-Winter term.

Happy Carving!Miss Muffin Top

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