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The Dartmouth
July 11, 2025 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

ROLLIN' WITH DOLAN: Boston Juice Party

Well, Red Sox fans, I guess this means it's been 91 years since your team has won a legitimate championship. For those of you who haven't heard, test results emerged last week showing that Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz, the two most effective players in both Red Sox championships, tested positive for steroids in 2003. For any Sox fan born after 1918, this must be absolutely devastating. You finally get your championship; you've escaped the Curse of the Bambino and the painful 1918 chants. Then bam, you get hit with this.

Remember when Steve Carell finally accomplished his goal in "The 40 Year Old Virgin?" Now imagine him finding out five years later that he got an incurable STD from that encounter. I'm guessing that's how all you Red Sox fans must feel it was a great experience at the time, but now it just stings.

But really, should anyone be surprised they tested positive? Ramirez already tested positive for steroids earlier this year, resulting in a 50-game suspension. It should be no surprise that he was on steroids during the heart of the steroids era.

But Big Papi? Mr. Clubhouse guy? Every description I've ever heard of Ortiz's personality has been glowing: no way he could be on steroids. Red Sox fans, brace yourselves. He was, and no one should really be that surprised.

First of all, Ortiz looks just like the orange "Monstar" from Space Jam. Human beings don't naturally look like that. But Ortiz's numbers are the biggest give-away of his 'roid use. The first six years of his career, he averaged 9.7 home runs per season. Then, starting in 2003, the year he tested positive for steroids, he averaged 41.6 home runs per season over the next five years.

That kind of turnaround would be like our football team going undefeated this year, another Bush getting elected President or Tom Cruise becoming cool again. We'd all immediately know something foul was going on. Ironically, in the months after A-Rod and Ramirez got busted for steroid use, Ortiz had one of the biggest slumps of his career. It suddenly took him 40 games to hit a home run. Is it possible that Ortiz saw his previously-untainted fellow 'roid users going down, and decided maybe it was time to lay off the juice?

What must really make this tough on Sox fans is some of the things Ortiz said this pre-season. In a February interview, he told ESPN's Peter Gammons that if a player were to test positive for steroids, baseball should, "Ban 'em for a whole year."

He then continued, "I know that if I test positive by using any kind of substance, I know that I'm going to disrespect my family, the game, the fans and everybody, and I don't want to be facing that situation. So what would I do? I won't use it."

If that kind of blatant betrayal doesn't create some serious trust issues for a generation of Sox fans, I don't know what will. Luckily, I'm from New York, so I don't have to worry about this happening to me, because come on we all know our hero Jeter would never do that to us.

So, Sox fans, you basically lost your championships, and you've been betrayed by two of your heroes, Ramirez and David "Benedict Arnold" Ortiz. If you want to claim that two guys testing positive doesn't ruin a championship for an entire team, fine, but I'd like to make a final Space Jam comparison. Remember when Bugs Bunny inspires the Toon-squad at halftime by giving them "Michael's Secret Stuff," but we all know its really just water and the Toons had it in them the whole time? Imagine if instead of water, he gave them some steroids. Or even if just two players, say Daffy and Taz, took steroids. It would change the movie entirely. Our generation would have messed up morals and no one would respect the Toons' win. Even a die-hard Sox fan has to agree with that. That is why the Red Sox Championships are forever tainted.