Breakups are hard. There's nothing
worse than someone telling
you that they don't like you so
much anymore, that he'd rather be by
himself than have you to improve his
life by readily making out with him or
by being there for him, at least on speed
dial. Being on the receiving end of a
breakup can feel like being the victim
of a crime; one imagines that it can't
get much worse than this. But it can
if the perpetrator is aided and abetted
by modern technology.
Everyone knows the infamous postit
breakup, brought to the realm of pop
culture references by the creators of
"Sex and the City." Waking up to a small
yellow slip of paper reading "I can't
do this" is pretty low, even for Carrie
Bradshaw. But imagine if the yellow
slip was not on Carrie's desk, but her
desktop. Suddenly that breakup has
plunged from low to virtually subterranean.
It's true, we live in an electronic
age. I sleep with my computer beside
me like it's a Red Rider BB gun. I feel
nervous, uncomfortable and even a
little queasy when I don't have my cell
on me. And though it's true Dartmouth
isn't really a cell phone campus, we
have our own electronic quirks. The
biggest of which is, of course, Blitz.
But just because our lives have become
dominated by electronic means
of staying connected doesn't mean our
relationships should. Profound on the
level of a Carrie Bradshaw pun-riddled
sex column, but the problem is, I'm
not quite sure what that means. So,
I'm going to try a clearer approach.
In the interests of the female half of
campus, that is to say myself, I think
we all need a refresher course in HOW
NOT TO DUMP ME: The Technology
of Break-Up.
The Breakup Blitz
Sure, as I said before, it's an allpurpose
campus tool. We use Blitz for
everything, but ending a relationship
with it still goes under the heading of
"So Not Cool." And it's not only because
it's mean to end anything by typing
"yo, sorry, i cant meet you in foco for
dinner tonite. or tomorrow. i'm really
busy lately." And then "be off Blitz" for
the rest of the term.
It's also technologically dangerous.
The sender may have BCC'd just
about anyone, which is only vaguely
unnerving compared to the number
of people the recipient could forward
to. Suddenly a conversation that could
easily be between only two people can
instantly sprout up all over campus.
This is dangerous for the dumpee, but
mostly for the dumper, who becomes
a douche bag not only by hearsay, but
in cold, hard, Blitzed fact.
The Breakup Text
It's a phenomenon, but actually one
in which we as a nation are lagging. In
a 2005 poll quoted in the Washington
Post, only 2% of Americans admitted
to breaking up with someone by text,
while almost 20% of Britons have along
with 10% of both Italians and Chinese.
Of course, they use the text-message
medium much more overall than us
Americans (as an aside, I wonder
what they do with that extra thumb
strength?), but it also means we have
a chance to preemptively strike at the
proliferation of such weapons of mass
behavioral destruction in our fine nation.
Why bother? First, it's lazy, and
such carelessness is rude. You may
say, "Well, I'm ending it -- who cares
about being rude?" To you, I offer this
argument: it's also really casual. A
breakup done too casually can come
off as not a breakup at all, or at least
not a permanent one. You can't really
make a clean break with such an
abbreviated way communicating. A
good old face-to-face insult is far more
effective, implying forethought and
permanency -- two very good things
when you never want to see someone
again.
Break-up by Phone
Compared to the first two, this is
pretty civilized, but there are still some
issues to consider before breaking up
with someone by calling them. First,
you have to get past the ringing. If
you're calling because you hate conflict
and that's why you're using technology
in the first place, then ringing phones
are hard enough to survive until you
hear a voice on the line. You end up
hanging up about 17 times before you
muster the courage to wait for someone
to pick up.
Then there's the hurdle of actually
saying something. Plus, have you
ever listened to someone cry over the
phone? It's way worse than in person,
the phone magnifies all that snuffling
and honking and squeals catching in
the throat. In person you can pat the
crying moron on the knee or run to
get a box of tissues, but on the phone
what do you do? Yeah, you think about
that for awhile.
So it all boils down to this: breaking
up with someone using technology is
bad for both parties. It's not helping you
or me. Obviously, the modern breakup
is a bad experience for the receiver,
but with the three methods described
above the perpetrator doesn't exactly
enjoy the ride, either. And since the
latter is in control of this situation,
it's best to just choose a method that
doesn't make him (or her!) look like
scum and also conveys the message
clearly. Like post-it notes.
Amy is a staff writer for The Mirror. Her preferred
method to break up is smoke signal.
