Pop quiz: What do all girls love
more than chocolate, Grey's Anatomy
and gay best friends? If you answered
puppies, you're 100% correct. If this Valentine's
Day marks a big commitment
for you and your fl ame, surprise her
with her very own furry little bundle
of canine joy. Bonus points if it comes
wearing a bow and Cupid-style diaper. I
mean seriously, who in their right mind
can possibly resist the cute furry things
-- just as loveable as babies minus the
whole lifetime investment buzz-kill.
And unlike human babies, they can
be trained to shit outside rather than
crawl around wearing their own fecal
matter all day.
For those of you not quite prepared
to drop the big bucks on a perpetual
urination machine, or fear the possibility
of a joint custody battle later on, you
can settle for something a little more
reasonable. For example, if you've
been seeing someone for about four
to six months but are not quite ready
to take your relationship to the next
level, I would recommend a chinchilla.
On the opposite end of the spectrum,
if your fun fl ing is beginning to feel
more like a dysfunctional marriage,
how about a tasteful lizard? Preferably
something boring and dried up, just
like her. If you're just in it for the sex, I
would recommend some sort of exotic
shaven rat. I think she'll get the hint.
**Little known tidbit, courtesy of
Cosmo: Animals can also serve as an
innovative way to spice up the bedroom
scene. Try dressing up your newly
purchased chinchilla in a sexy nurse
costume or slutty French maid outfi t,
and voila! You have yourself an kinky
interspecies menage a trois.
Winter blues getting you down? Just
because the Hanover great outdoors
are dull and frigid doesn't mean your
sex life has to be. This Valentine's Day,
treat your special someone to the Alternative
Dartmouth Seven. First, make
her feel young again by serenading
her in the place where many of our
freshman experiences began -- the
BEMA, of course. To truly emulate the
DOC experience, try skipping out on
showering for four days and binge on
Vermont Cabot cheddar beforehand
for some added zest. Invite a socially
awkward freshman, some Ultimate
Frisbee players in fl air and, if possible,
a live moose, and chances are you'll be
salty doggy-styling all night.
For your next stops on the Seven,
try role playing as Mr. and Mrs.
Wright on the President's Lawn, see
how long you can delay frostbite in
the snow sculpture and read the most
erotic Dr. Seuss passages aloud to
each other in the stacks. How about
Hop on Pop, for the Electra complex
in all of us?
While you're (going) at it, skip
out on the football fi eld's cliched
50-yard line. Make sure she knows
you're a winner and try a team with
a more impressive record. As your
coital locale, I would recommend
the center of the ice hockey rink;
while I can't guarantee there won't
be ice burn, I can promise a really
great Zam-boner. (ZING!)
For the grand fi nale, take her for a
wintry ride she'll never forget -- one
that preferably doesn't include the
words "reverse" or "cowgirl." Begin
by kidnapping exactly fi ve docile fraternity
dogs, four cafeteria trays and
one medium sized marching band
member. These tasks, by the way, can
easily be accomplished with a large garbage
bag, a fl ute and a ham sandwich
attached to a string. Next, call her on a
pay phone and breathe heavily on the
other line for several seconds. Repeat
seven or eight times in the three days
leading up to Valentine's Day, and on
the fi nal call instruct her to meet you
at the Giant Squid at exactly 7 p.m. If
she objects, whisper, "I'm watching
you" and hang up quickly. If you are
looking to make a particularly strong
impression, try leaving romantic notes,
written in red paint and/or your own
blood in her Hinman Box. Nothing
gets that lusty adrenaline pumping like
a few good-natured death threats.
On the big night, arrive fashionably
dressed in head-to-toe black with the
sedated marching band member on
hand and frat dogs tied to the cafeteria
trays. When your adventurous miss
arrives, show her that love is truly
blind -- literally, with a black bandana
around her eyes.
Feeling tied down? Well, return
the favor with strong rope securely
fastened to the cafeteria tray. For the
grand fi nale, have your very own
sleigh dogs pull you around the green
to the trumpeted tune of "Winter
Wonderland." Relax and enjoy the
scenic Hanoverian landscape with your
special someone, gagged, blindfolded
and securely fastened... to your heart,
that is. Bon Voyage!
Disclaimer: The above activities are not
intended to be taken seriously. If you,
or someone you know, has suggested
any of the aforementioned acts, please
contact your local SAPA immediately.
Sandra is a writer for The Mirror but
neither she nor The Mirror can be held
legally accountable for anything that
happens, ever.
