Super Bowl weekend -- the greatest spectacle in sports -- is finally upon us. The Super Bowl is an event that encapsulates the American dream -- passion, hope, hard work, cheerleaders, pigs in a blanket, etc.
In fact, perhaps the only competitive contest that could eclipse the Bowl would be a Royal Rumble-style cage match between all the presidential candidates juiced up on HGH. (My money is on Hillary).
In recent years, the Super Bowl party has become a cultural staple -- a time for us all to come together to forget the trials of our lives in a blur of calorific consumption and glorified machismo.
But organizing a festivity worthy of the America's Game here in Hanover can be a daunting task.
As the New York Giants march onto the field to take on Gisele Bundchen and her Patriots this Sunday, you certainly want to find yourself in a suitable locale.
Thus, without further adieu, I present to you the top 10 ways to enjoy the Super Bowl at Dartmouth:
-
Just don't watch. It does not matter to you that the Patriots are looking to solidify their legacy as the most dominant team in football, and perhaps sports, history, or that the Giants are hoping to conclude one of the most improbable seasons in recent memory with an upset for the ages. And then hopefully you will spill your double-stirred caramel macchiato all over yourself because you're, like, totally the coolest ever! Really, you're awesome.
-
Watch the game on DarTV. Lucky for us, the intelligentsia of our fine college has made television sets obsolete! We can now watch the big game on our 14-inch Dells rather than a 60-inch flat screen -- and maybe, just maybe, our DarTV connection will function throughout the game. Thanks, Dartmouth!
-
Attend one of the many Super Bowl watch-party rush events which will be held along Frat Row. For the majority of freshman males, the Super Bowl marks the greatest turning point in their Dartmouth careers. From Sunday onwards, freshman guys are no longer the most marginalized, ignored element on campus (cue letter to the editor). Let the man-flirting begin!
-
Put on your most form-fitting spandex and head to the Fitness Center. You can be part of the distinct minority that does not gain 10 pounds off Doritos and pizza. And, since no one else will be there, you might even be able to procure a treadmill -- but probably not.
-
Cater your dorm party with deviously greasy delicacies from the Hop. Yes, Courtyard Caf, as it is formally called by absolutely no one, will cater a buffet-style Super Bowl menu for your tasting pleasure! And, for a fee, Lerrone will replace Tom Petty as your halftime entertainment with some freestyle madness. Adding a "crunk" SHEBA dance routine to the performance is optional.
-
Go to the Chabad Super Bowl party...Eh, I'm not going to touch this one -- it will only lead to my grandmother getting mad me. Love you!
-
Play the "animals-in-commercials" drinking game. Every time you see an animal in a commercial during the game, drink. This is a simple and fun way to celebrate the new trend of inundating Super Bowl ads with animals actin' a fool. Take a double-shot every time you see a monkey.
-
Attend the Daughters of Dartmouth Super Bowl Extravaganza! Unfortunately, if you are a member of a fraternity -- or a man -- you cannot come. Additionally, because the NFL has yet to allow female players to participate in its tragically misogynistic organization, the Daughters will be presenting a mixed doubles figure skating marathon for your viewing pleasure.
-
Bail on Dartmouth and just fly to Las Vegas for the weekend. Trust me, it can be done. If you want to have the most decadent time of your life, get yourself on Southwest's daily nonstop flight from Manchester to Vegas and hit up the strip for Super Bowl Weekend. And if you find yourself in the Planet Hollywood sports book before game time, put a hundo spot on the G-men to cover for me.
-
Build yourself a sound-proof chamber and put a TV -- or your computer! -- inside. At least now if the Patriots win, you won't have to listen to Boston sports fans celebrate.
