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The Dartmouth
May 26, 2024 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

21 NFL Predictions

It is almost that time of year. With baseball season trudging slowly along and nothing much else of widespread interest going on in American sports, football season will be a welcome sight. There are 21 days until the National Football League kicks off, and in celebration, I offer 21 predictions on the upcoming regular season.

  1. Tom Brady will continue to date Giselle, sport three rings, play quarterback for this century's most successful sports franchise in a city where he is given iconic status and bring home another AFC East title for the Pats. Tough life, huh, Tom?

  2. T.O. will continue to be the same asinine, brash and egomaniacal human being whose roster spot on a team is saved only by his superhuman athletic skill. With that said, look for Owens and the boys in blue to take the NFC East.

  3. The Vinsanity will continue as the Madden Curse is put to rest. Rock on, No. 10.

  4. Shawne Merriman will not serve any steroid-related suspensions. Did I just hear a light switch clicking into the "off" position for 16 NFL starting quarterbacks?

  5. L.T. will flirt with 30 touchdowns once again and further affirm his status as the game's premier player. Greatest running back ever? When all is said and done, I don't see it any other way.

  6. Brady Quinn will get more attention from local females in Cleveland than from opposing defensive coordinators as he rides the pine in his first season. Hey, that's not so bad, Brady.

  7. Tiki Barber will realize retirement isn't as peachy as he envisioned, take the league by storm and run the Giants deep into the playoffs. Ha, just kidding! I hope I didn't excite any Giants fans, because right now I would venture to guess that Tiki is not thinking about football. Rather, he is standing in front of his mirror, thesaurus in hand, vigorously perfecting his delivery for the Today Show.

  8. Five Bengals will get arrested. Sound right? Nah, we gotta go with six. Heck, maybe even seven. Eight? OK, eight it is, but something tells me I'm being nave.

  9. Manning No. 1 (you know, the good one) will continue to drive defensive coordinators crazy and play MVP-caliber football. Manning No. 2 will show slight improvement in his decision making and overall play, but will be unsuccessful in his attempt to win a playoff game and displace the large, expanding monkey from his back.

  10. John Madden will continue to give football commentary on national television. Someone shoot me.

  11. The Defensive Rookie of the Year will be Patrick Willis. The Offensive Rookie of the Year will be Calvin Johnson.

  12. Adam "Pacman" Jones will do something stupid to get himself in trouble and further lessen his chances of returning to the NFL. Wow, I'm getting bold here...

  13. The season will play out with mixed results for Brett Favre and the Packers, and the Lambeau Legend will finally realize he just doesn't have what it takes to win consistently anymore. Actually, he probably won't realize that, and come back for another year. My guess on his justifying logic? "Well, tell ya what, I still think I can play". Profound, Brett, profound.

  14. Reggie Bush will be downright scary.

  15. Travis Henry's performance with the Broncos will only further affirm what is perhaps the league's most well known fact: it's really, really easy to have a huge season running the football for Denver.

  16. "Ocho Cinco" will continue to prove he is the best receiver in the NFL, entertaining us all the while with outlandish celebratory acts and absurd proclamations about, well, everything.

  17. Randy Moss " 1200 yards, 10 TD's (both minimums).

  18. Joey Harrington will fail to make Falcons fans forget about Michael Vick.

  19. Ted Ginn Jr., provided full health, will have three or more return touchdowns and make Dolphins fans forget about Brady Quinn. At least for now...

  20. Mike Tomlin will lead a resurgent Steelers team into the playoffs, possibly with an appearance in the AFC title game.

  21. Super Bowl ...... Chargers 30, Cowboys 13