First, let me apologize to all faithful WOE readers for my column's absence in last Wednesday's issue of The D. If you're still bitter, I'm sure you'll be happy to know that I almost got fired.
In honor of WOE's prodigal son return, I have decided to inject a little variety and bring back the age-old art of discussion. We have, for your reading pleasure, four of the keenest minds in Hanover -- Bobby Steinsdoerfer '07, Sam Beattie '07, Kyle "Awareness" Owusu '07 and myself -- to discuss the recent moose mascot frenzy.
SB: I honestly think the moose mascot would work. It's big and it will f*ck you up.
BS: How far exactly would this mascot go? Would it be on jerseys?
SB: No. I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have a moose on our uniforms. They just want to design a costume for a guy and try it out. It would cost too much to re-emblazon every uniform for every team.
KO: Why can't we have a lumberjack instead of a moose?
RE: I like the lumberjack, too.
BS: Yeah, a hardworking, blue-collar guy.
SB: I don't think it has a chance in hell of being used.
KO: OK, if we have the moose, we definitely can't be called the Dartmoose, and it can't be a goofy looking moose. He's got to be jacked.
SB: If it's a cartoon animal, it's not going to be jacked.
KO: That's why we should have a lumberjack. If it's a real person, he has the potential of looking scary. The moose just looks like an idiot.
Loud Noises
KO: OK, does Cornell have a mascot?
BS: Yeah, they have a bear. What about Harvard? The Crimson? What is their mascot?
SB: Some guy in a tri-cornered hat, I think.
KO: I don't know if the moose could be matching up with Lions, like Columbia has.
BS: Isn't the moose a little bit of a lonely animal? When was the last time you saw a pack of moose?
SB: They're not pack animals, Bobby.
BS: It's a lot easier to rally around something that has pack status.
RE: I'm kind of getting scared that this moose thing is really going to stick.
KO: It's definitely a step up from Keggy.
RE: Is it really?
BS: If the mascot change is going to happen, it would need to happen from top to bottom. It can't just be some half-hearted attempt.
SB: Well, we're not just going to drop the Big Green for nothing. You have to make a distinction between the team name and the team mascot. Look at Stanford. They're the Cardinal, but their mascot is a big tree. And what about the Mariners? They have a moose mascot and the people there love it.
KO: I want to see a picture of it.
Pause For Google Search
SB: He's a good-looking moose.
Awkward Silence
RE: OK, here's the moose. Look at this fool.
KO: I'm not down with that moose. He's not OK.
RE: It just looks weird.
KO: If I were at a game, I would be annoyed by that thing hopping around.
SB: OK, well what would you be OK with hopping around? It sounds like you're anti-mascot.
KO: The Bulldog is a great mascot. Let me think ... the Trojan, that one's sick. And the Gator, that's a sweet mascot.
SB: What about the Sasquatch? That could be a great mascot, like the Sonics.
BS: Do they actually think that having a mascot will make our athletics better? Make our fans cheer harder?
SB: I think it's an issue of school pride. We're the only Ivy League school without a guy running around on the field.
KO: It definitely is a step in the right direction.
BS: I don't really see a point if it doesn't change the name of our teams. I think a lot of athletes would step up and voice their opinion if that was the case. I think this is just another thing for Dartmouth students to argue about. Is anyone still arguing about the SA impeachment? No. The Moose is the argument of the month.
