Alice Unchained: Laterrr

by Alice Mathias | 11/17/06 6:00am

Is that the Dawson's Creek theme song I hear echoing in the distance? Oh-ehm-gee, this must be my last column! I was kind of teary-eyed at first, but I've decided it's a good thing that I've been fired.

I'm getting pretty tired anyway. I've been spending too much time hovering over my mind-melting computer and my brain has turned into a cottage cheese-like blob (but pink-ish, hopefully.) I'm not sure how many more coherent sentences I'll be able tutu -- gah I, hey when's Thanksgiving yet, Pilgrim?

Sorry I just blacked out. Since I'm having trouble writing/existing, I'm going to keep this very simple and just catalogue a few chicken nuggets of wisdom for any of you who might have an interest in generally "living it up" for the rest of your stay here at Dartmouth.

"Nuggets of Wisdom" (according to my 3.333(repeating) years of experience in college):

The first nugget is shaped like a dinosaur that will eat you if you don't go to class. Remember school = cool. We are all going to be expected to contribute something to society someday, so it is our civic duty not to be total soils. It is often too easy to forget that our purpose here is learning.

Plus, our parents are forking over big bucks to keep us safe from those merciless jaws, so seriously -- put down the computer and go to class, Alice, you're late. Am I talking to myself again? I'm telling you, Alice is one chain short of a chain-gang today. Who named this column, anyway? "Alice Unchained?" What?

On that note, capitalize on the opportunity to use blitz nicknames to express your individuality. Sure, people won't actually blitz you at "HeyWayToBeAStalker," but at least you can make all your stalkers feel really uncomfortable when they're busy looking up your DND entries.

Also, choose your reply-to with caution. No professor can possibly give "FRAT" a serious answer to his "Class discussion-related inquiry."

For your own well-being, have a blitz name that is short. Research has indicated that logging in with a nickname under three letters long will expedite the process and conserve up to 47 hours of one's lifetime that could be used to play pong.

Never take a 2A in the Loew, always make your bed before going out at night and, if possible, avoid hooking-up with people you'd care to be acknowledged by a week later.

Also, "class-cest" in general is a terrible idea, so wait until the end of the term to "Chi-Gam-dance-party" with that person who sits behind you who keeps kicking your chair.

Try eating your Special K with Vanilla Silk. It's delicious and you'll save a cow. If you're "anti-saving-cows," check out the late-night cheeseburger at the Canoe Club. While you're at it, check out the Tuck guys. They're not in your 2A.

Wear those Uggs with pride, ladies. Don't let any faux fashion police talk you out of them. Sure Uggs are out in L.A., but this is Dartmouth. Here they just make sense.

Plus, those cold-footed, Ugg-hating, hard guys who often make fun of us for wearing them are secretly just jealous because man-Uggs are on a four-year backorder. Screw The Man! Ugg Power!

For regular coffee with sugar or cream, Dirt Cowboy is a winner, but if you're going for a latt you should really hit the Dartmouth Bookstore.

They use less watered-down milk. If you want plain black coffee and a muffin for the price of one Dirt Cowboy, go to Lou's and make that muffin an "earth muffin." The "earth muffin" looks like a ball of dirt and sticks to things, but trust me, it is the ambrosia of Main Street.

Always follow your dreams, unless you have dreams that you're at the salad bar at Collis Caf and you suddenly realize that you're naked. Don't follow that dream. That would be uncomfortable and unhygienic. Save it for AD basement, buddy.

Hang out or hang out. The only other option is "graduate."

Feel free to cut across the grass when you're walking to/from the front entrance of Baker Tower. We all understand that those curvy paths make you go pretty far out of the way, and we won't judge you for taking the short cut, even though you're trampling the vegetation.

A little advice about frats: I have done some research and discovered that the best frat party of the year is the Fog Cutters bash at Bones Gate. Historically, a mysterious beverage was served at this party with ingredients only known by the president and social chair.

They obviously don't serve this drink, "The Fog Cutter," anymore because of SEMP regulations, so to pay for their recent renovations, the president and social chair sold the recipe to The Orient, where the "Fog Cutter" is now a featured on the drink menu. Apparently the secret ingredient is "grenadine." (Sketchyyy...)

A simpler pearl of advice: "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold. The ring is round it has no end, that's how long that we should all be friends!" Wisdom from my Brownie Girl Scout Troop No. 1520.

Make friends with those people you've always seen around and wanted to be friends with. And then the next day when you see this person and remember your Keystone-fueled declaration of mutual interest in friendship, don't avoid making eye contact -- make a lunch date.

Even wiser words: "An eye for an eye makes the world go blind." I came up with that one myself. It's really true, though. Revenge is pretty useless.

Like, for instance, if your favorite Mirror columnist got fired for plagiarizing Ghandi, it would be totally useless to booby-trap her editor's dorm room while said editor (Nova Robinson -- Berry 301) was sleeping. It would a more productive strategy to stage a protest outside Robo. That's the best way to get things done these days.

The most useful advice that I was ever given for how to survive at Dartmouth is to try not to take everything too seriously. "If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt, and if you never get hurt, you always have fun ..." And if you ever get lonely, just log on to and visit your friends...

  • ThankGodI'mFinished