Alice Unchained: Date my mono

by Alice Mathias | 10/27/06 5:00am

I have been told that there is only one way to get a relationship started here at Dartmouth, where dating is pretty much dead-zo.

Say you really like some dude. The two of you are what is known around here as "Black Out/Make Out Buddies" -- though you haven't officially declared this on Facebook. This guy is totally dreamy. He is sensitive (eats at Collis), super-cool (See: his "About Me") and you send each other almost-daily witty blitzes peppered with occasional question marks. You even smiled and waved that one time when you passed each other on the Green.

While blacking/making out (again) one basemantic evening, it becomes clear that you both might be ready to take this "relationship" to the next level. Unfortunately, the next morning, neither one of you has the balls to propose some kind of follow-up sober interaction.

There is one easy way to get this balls-free guy to be your boyfriend without having to ask him out yourself and face the possibility of rejection.

All you have to do is go lick one of the sinks at Dick's House. Once you're pretty sure you have a good dose of Mono, the next step is to go put on a glittery tank top and swing by his frat. There, you can have a few beers, but no more than a shrub or two (remember: your Mono is setting in). The next step is to locate your BO/MO Buddy. Now all you have to do is smile, twirl your hair and wink. The next morning, he will have Mono too.

Once you are both officially diagnosed, the two of you will be forbidden from spending your nights boozing away your awkwardness in basements. On Friday night, you two will be the only sober people on the entire Dartmouth campus. What the heck are you going to do all weekend?!?

Well, it looks like you have no choice but to hang out together -- and the doctor says you can't just go play pong at his frat. You two have to start going on real dates, doctor's orders. The Doc also warns that, while it is okay for you to make out with each other, you shouldn't go around making out with anyone else, because you'd give them Mono and intentionally giving someone else Mono would be unethical. (Mono is exclusive.)

It is also worthy to note that, according to the doctor, having Mono means that you should be spending most of your time in bed.

According to recent research, the longest-lasting relationships that many students ever experience at Dartmouth are flings with this promiscuous character, Mono.

I have recently overheard a lot of dudes complaining about the fact that girls around here rarely take them out on proper dates. Apparently chivalry is passed out in some basement somewhere? Anyway, I thought I should propose some alternatives to the Mono Plan, in case you don't feel like being supremely sketchy.

Many blame the lack-of-dating-scene on the small town of Hanover and the Dartmouth lifestyle. I have faith that there are ways that we can reconcile these issues.

For instance, apparently pong "doesn't count as a date." I expect that this is because it is hard to get to know someone when you're busy drop-slamming throw saves, looking for the ball and/or chugging your face off.

As we all know, different houses on campus have different versions of pong. I propose that we develop a new campus-wide version called, "Okay, This Counts as a Date Pong."

In this version of the game, you have to say a funny fact about yourself when you hit a cup, you have to ask a question if you miss a save, and you have to have a moment or two of awkward uncertainty about who is paying the bill if you sink a cup on a serve.

Celebrations (or "cellies") or whatever should involve footsie, holding hands or looking into each other's eyes as if you're about to go to first base.

I would go on, but actually, the precise rules have not been totally figured out yet. If you're interested in helping to come up with a few more, feel free to blitz "Alice Mathias."

But I wouldn't drink out of my cup, if I were you ...

  • KiddingIdon'thaveMono(yet)