Phew. What a weekend. Dartmouth football managed to score two touchdowns and still not cover a 35-point spread. Despite boasting the three best golfers in the world in Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson and Jim Furyk, the United States still managed to get clobbered for the third consecutive Ryder Cup. And for the second week in a row, the New York Giants still haven't figured out that football games are not only played in the fourth quarter, but in the first three as well.
But I won't bore you with mundane recaps of the games you already saw. You can turn on ESPN and get biting analysis and commentary from mental giants like Mark Schlereth and Skip Bayless, so far be it for me to step on the toes of such titanic figures in the sports world. This week, I'm just giving out awards.
Crybaby of the Weekend: Chris Simms
A ruptured spleen? Come on. What kind of a football injury is that? A real football injury would be something like a broken arm or a serious ankle injury, like the one T.O. suffered in 2005 only to miraculously return to the field in time for the Superbowl and then promptly blame losing the game on a tiring Donovan McNabb. Look for Simms to return from his boo-boo just in time to see the Bucs fall to 0-6, and then promptly blame the loss on John Gruden being "outcoached."
Soil of the Weekend: U.S. Ryder Cup Team
Since when did the United States Ryder Cup Team become a joke? Every time I turned around this PGA season, Tiger Woods was winning another tournament, another major championship, and padding his resume as the greatest golfer ever. Phil Mickelson, despite being in dire need of a bra, is still playing well enough to be ranked second in the world. Guess what? We lost 18 1/2 to 9 1/2 for the second time in three tries. For those of you out there unfamiliar with the Ryder Cup scoring system, that means the Europeans spanked us in front of all our friends, and then gave us a two-year time out until the next Ryder Cup.
Sob Story of the Weekend: Arizona Cardinals
The NFL season is not even a month old, and already there are legitimate rumblings in Arizona to give "mistake prone" Kurt Warner the boot and let former USC playboy Matt Leinart a shot at the starting quarterback position. Kurt Warner -- mistake prone? Say it isn't so. Let me just take this opportunity to mention that a brand new stadium, brand new running back, and brand new quarterbacks do not make a brand new Arizona Cardinals (1-2). This was made painfully clear this week as the Cardinals suffered an embarrassing 16-14 home loss to the Rams that featured three Warner interceptions, capped off by a botched snap with 1:46 to play. Expect to see plenty of shiny new empty seats gleaming in the Arizona sun come December as the Cardinals are poised to take another high profile first round pick in the 2007 draft.
Cursed Athlete of the Weekend: Shaun Alexander
Wait, is it spelled "Shaun" or "Shawn"? I can never get this guy's name right. But thanks to the Madden 2007 cover boy breaking his foot this weekend in an off-field incident involving a banana peel and a weiner dog, it looks like the sportswriters of the world won't have to worry about misspelling Alexander's name for the next four to six weeks. And to be honest, the NFL is really only big enough for one Tiki Barber look-alike.
Rager of the Weekend: Michael Simko
Who is Michael Simko you ask? Well, after Simko's stock car hit the wall during the 112th lap of the Great Lakes Chevy Dealers/Budweiser Glass City 200 at Toledo Speedway, he decided that life just wasn't fair, so he got himself a running start and hurled himself through the windshield of fellow driver Don St. Denis' car. If you haven't seen the video, it's somewhere between George Brett's pine tar home run and David Akers getting stomped on the Giants sideline. Both drivers were suspended, but we can all rest easy knowing that Speed Racer saved the day and won the race.
