Dear Chris and Anna,
So Summer is coming to a close and although I don't want to think about it, I'm going to be leaving Dartmouth for a while. I'm headed off on a European adventure to the Pubs of Ireland, the Vineyards of France and the Beer Gardens of Germany (and probably some castles or something in between). I'm really nervous that I'll stick out like a sore thumb, though. Do you have any advice for how to blend in with our neighbors across the pond?
Signed,
Floundering Student (who is) Puzzled
Chris Says: Anna, you two-timing Jezebel. I realize you haven't said anything yet, since I'm headlining now, but I just wanted to get that out of the way. You're dumb. Anyway FSP, you're completely right. There's no reason you should walk around with a camera, map and fanny-pack when you can fit in with the Europeans in a few easy steps! First off, if you're a girl, stop shaving your legs and armpits. If you're a guy, start shaving your legs and armpits. Wear the tightest female jeans you can find (regardless of your gender) and cut your hair so that it looks like the barber made a mistake. Then all you need to do is smoke incessantly, stop bathing and listen to annoying techno music and you've got it covered! Voila! C'est la vie! La Chaim!
Anna Says: Christopher, firstly, you should work at Chippendale's not because you have a hot bod, but because you are a manwhore. Secondly, I really like what you wrote above. I mean its not like you made vast generalizations about a continent at all! Christopher, I am glad that you definitely don't judge our European allies, you are so mature and worldly. FSP, listen to Chris if and only if you want to die at a rave in Berlin. Instead you need to do the following: go rent "Chasing Liberty" with our friendly neighborhood teenage superstar Mandy Moore. In this all-time-American-classic-that-should-have-won-an-Oscar, you can watch Mandy and her love interest gallivant around Europe together, fall in love and respect Europeans for the unique and diverse punks/yuppies/metrosexuals that they are. With Mandy's guidance I am sure your trip to Europe will be incredibly fulfilling.
Compromise:
Chris: No. No compromise this week, Anna. I'm sick and tired of sharing my completely correct opinions with some harlot of questionable morals. Anna would have you eating at McDonald's in Barcelona and going to American hostels in Rome if she had her way. If you want to be able to talk about how many "crazy New Zealanders" you met while "backpacking in Europe," follow her advice. But, if you want to have stories about that beautiful Frenchman/woman you kissed on a passionate night on a beautiful beach while they read you French poetry and you ate baguettes, follow my advice.
Anna: Well Chris, it looks like we've come to a fork in the road. I'm going my way and you're going yours. Unfortunately for you, your way leads to STDs and a life of complete failure. Catch you on the flip side.
Chris and Anna, blah blah blah.
