We have weird ways of constructing masculinity on campus. It seems to involve drinking a lot of light beer, sometimes throwing things or chanting and having themed events that involve girls showing up better than naked (I'm looking at you, porn star tails).
Now please don't get me wrong, but I think you are all pansies. I mean that in the most loving way. This pansy masculinity is really quite sweet: you wear funny water-proof sandals and love plants or you study too much because you are terrified of failure or you were raised by a nanny in Connecticut while your parents were off with their respective lovers and it has made you charmingly fragile.
This is all good and well -- nothing wrong with a little nerdiness or emotional retardation. However, I think you should know that you really aren't very masculine. Not at all. I don't really know how to defend this statement and I don't particularly feel like treading across that particular minefield of the gender war.
So let's just over-simplify and say that to be masculine is to be a "manly man" (note: being homophobic and/or misogynistic does not make you a manly man, it makes you a horrible person. This is a common misconception though).
Even Dartmouth's athletes -- our version of manly men -- are not particularly masculine. Yeah, I know you (I'm talking to the athletes here) could bench me and my extended family. Mad respect for that, fella.
But guess what you do after benching? You saunter from the gym in flip-flops, sipping pink mineral water -- back to your frat where you will inevitably exfoliate.
I appreciate your blackhead-free skin, but if you direct your eyes behind Baker-Berry, you will find a slew of guys who have a much better plan. Say hello to the construction workers of Dartmouth campus.
There are construction sites all over campus, as I'm sure you are well aware. The other day during their lunch break, I stopped by and said "hi" to some of the finish carpenters (and almost got leveled by a CAT in the process).
The workers I spoke with do trim-work, wood details, cabinet installation -- things of that nature. They are great guys. And they are guys' guys. Not sure what a guys' guy is? Here is a good test: ask yourself if Hemingway would want to get drunk with them.
Hint: Hemingway doesn't drink Keystone.
Anyway, I'm not sure if you are aware of this but the construction aesthetic is pretty much untouchable. By comparison, everything just seems so ... well, pansy-ish, really. I remember the first time I saw a Psi U pledge class (I think they have to wear Tims and reversed sweatshirts), I thought the campus had become approximately 500 percent more legit overnight. Of course, it had not.
Every worker I talked to looked pretty uniformly awesome: various brands of work-boots prevailed, their Levis or Carhartts were sprinkled with industrial dust and their T-shirts were worn and loved. They use power-tools and drive pick-ups.
I'm sorry kids, but the results are in: you have been emasculated by the construction workers here on Dartmouth campus. Take a look at the profiles below and get to know some guys' guys.
John White, 42
Hails from: Hillsborough, N.H.
Work-boots: Dunnams
Tattoos: None
Smoke: "Nope."
Drink of choice: "Foster's Beer"
As the foreman, John keeps the nine carpenters in his crew "in line." Of Dartmouth he commented, "The scenery is nice."
Stephen Jevons, 26
Hails from: Claremont, N.H.
Work-boots: Chipewah
Tattoos: None
Smoke: He quit!
Drink of choice: "Vodka and tonic"
Among other jobs, Stephen has worked as a chimney sweep and snowmaker. He mentioned, "Chicks are hard to pick up on." No kidding.
Paul Falco, 36
Hails from: Randolph, Vt. Work-boots: Hi-teks in the summer, Rockies in winter
Tattoos: "Seven or eight."
Smoke: "Winstons."
Drink of choice: Paul drinks socially
He previously worked as a car salesman. He thinks the students on this campus "look way too serious all the time."
