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The Dartmouth
June 20, 2024 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

Summertime Woes

So summer seems to be synonymous with nakedness -- a nakedness of all sorts. If not bodily nakedness, some form of nakedness nonetheless -- foot nakedness, for one, is very prevalent. I have seen it all around: people in flip-flops. Ah, yes, the flip flop. The flip flop represents everything that is comfortable about summertime. It does not, however, represent anything attractive or even remotely good-looking given the condition of people's feet. C'mon, people! It's called a pedicure. Get one! They're like ten bucks over in West Leb. Feet should be pretty. Always. It's just a rule. Not just girls' feet, but guy's feet as well. Everyone should have nice feet or else hide them in socks and sneaks.

On the note of covering up, it seems that the insanely hot weather causes people to do just the opposite: lose all sense of decency and forget their clothes at home. While a classy black tank, like the one I'm wearing right now actually (thanks, James Perse and Trudy Hong!) coupled with jeans, is always a yes, a classy black tank with booty shorts is not. We all must follow the "one revealing item" rule. If you're going to wear short shorts, then wear a sleeved T-shirt on top -- please, note this point.

You don't have to go naked to keep cool. There are a myriad of options out there for those of us not blessed with great legs or six-packs or for those of us blessed with a sense of modesty, such as the long skirt option that I have observed on many a student at this fine institution. This trend was brought to my attention by the style icon from last week's issue, Trudy Hong '08. She, very stylishly, pulled together a fashion ensemble that kept her cool, kept her looking trendy, while at the same time, flattering her hourglass figure.

While not everyone can be fortunate enough to have an hourglass figure, everyone is blessed with some asset -- whether it be a cute, perky behind or toned upper arms. However, that being said, everyone also has a body weakness, even that Mischa Barton body-twin you see frolicking around Berry First in her short shorts and long legs. I know what mine is, but that's just it , I know mine (or at least I think I do). It is a great feat; hiding your body flaw(s) and not highlighting them by trying to pull off something that you obviously should not be wearing. This trend of wearing what you shouldn't seems to emerge only in the summertime.

This epidemic arrives with the shining sun, but it needs to be noted that it is not OK no matter what time of year. Another phenomenon of summertime is the emergence of what I like to call the Sweat Moustache. OK, so I know a lot of you are thinking, what the hell is that? What are you talking about? Well, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but even you have been guilty of sporting the Sweat Moustache, you just don't realize it.

The Sweat Moustache is the beads of perspiration that appear on your upper lip area while you're walking around outside or blow-drying your hair or generally, just feeling really hot. Now, there are definitely degrees of The Sweat Moustache. I'd say that usually, the male population probably suffers the lowest degree of it. They usually get the Sweat Moustache, but then quickly wipe away the perspiration and by Miucca Prada, it's gone! The female population has it the worst, especially the makeup-wearing female population. There is always some type of remnant of the sweat moustache even after the perspiration has been wiped away.

For the make-up wearing prima donnas (such as myself), ours ends up looking slightly discolored -- OK, that's an understatement -- it ends up looking significantly lighter in the upper lip area. I suppose the assertion can be made that maybe makeup should not be worn during the summer because it will melt off anyway, but the counter-argument to that is: how the hell am I supposed to sport this faux tawny glow without a dab of bronzer and a splash of blush?!?

Fret not, my faithful readers, I'm not just here to point out that the Sweat Moustache exists and to make you self-conscious about it, instead I will help you to figure out some solutions to the problem. We can solve the problem as a team. One idea is to walk around perpetually fanning your face with a piece of paper or any other sort of makeshift fan contraption or you could buy one of those battery-powered personal little handheld fans. Or I guess, you could just skip the makeup, bronzer and all -- tragic, I know. Trust me, I know.

Or, the existence of the Sweat Moustache may not mean a thing to you and you may just be laughing your ass off at me because you now know that I have one. Either way, I have introduced you to its existence and from this point forward, you will always be able to identify one when you see one.

I know this article has just made you feel bad, but honestly, these points aside, it's been a good term fashionably-speaking thus far. I applaud you and will try to keep my Sweat Moustache under control. Note the improvements that need to be made and incorporate them into your daily lives.

Until next time, farewell ...