This means that the majority of the American public would rather pay to see Martin Lawrence in a female fat suit or Kate Beckinsale as a scantily-clad vampire assassin than sit through any of the five most critically acclaimed films of the year. Therefore, I humbly put forth the question: If we live in a movie-going culture that favors mediocrity over art, why not recognize the former alongside the latter?
Twenty-six years ago, a visionary named John Wilson asked the same question, and answered himself by creating the Golden Raspberry Awards. The Golden Razzies are a sort of "Anti-Oscars" designed to give the worst films of any given year the recognition they deserve. Winners are selected by an elite group of film enthusiasts from across the nation; the award itself consists of a papier-mach raspberry glued to a mangled film reel and spray-painted gold for authenticity.
These prestigious awards are given out in a ceremony on Saturday; March 4, exactly 24 hours before the Academy Awards (referred to by the Raspberry producers as "that other awards show").
This year, the Razzies have nominated an alarmingly awful slate of movies, recognizing everything from limp comedies ("Son of the Mask") to mindless slasher flicks ("House of Wax") to films that are just, well, inexplicable ("Dirty Love"). What follows are one man's opinions on which nominees deserve to be immortalized in Hollywood's Hall of Shame.
Worst Picture:
The nominees are "Dukes of Hazzard," "Dirty Love," "House of Wax," "Son of the Mask" and "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo." There's no doubt that each of these five nominees heartily deserves to be remembered as one of Hollywood's biggest mistakes, but if it's downright awfulness you're looking for, "Deuce Bigalow" wallows far below the rest of the pack. Watching this movie, one is compelled to wonder who in his or her right mind could possibly have thought that Rob Schneider waddling around in a diaper and courting women with projectile tracheotomies could be anything close to funny.
I am tempted to question the presence of "House of Wax" in this category; I have no great love for the film, but a certain appreciation for the fact that it provides the first onscreen decapitation of Paris Hilton. If "Deuce Bigalow" doesn't win (lose?), however, I would be equally satisfied with the recognition of the pathetically bizarre Jenny McCarthy vehicle "Dirty Love" -- when I describe this movie as a comedy about a woman who can't stop menstruating, people always think I'm joking. I only wish I were.
Worst Actor:
The nominees are Tom Cruise for "War of the Worlds," the Rock for "Doom," Jamie Kennedy for "Son of the Mask," Will Ferrell for "Bewitched" and Rob Schneider for "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo."
I think some of the nominations in this category are a little unfair, and reflect less on the quality of the performances themselves than on the odiousness of the material. Tom Cruise and Will Ferrell were just fine, though admittedly not inspired, in their respective films -- the two men have each had a tough year in the press and at the box office, respectively, and it's a little unfair to kick them when they're down.
On the other hand, I heartily support the nomination of the Rock, who has little more emotive capacity than his namesake and whose thudding performance helped ruin the already doomed "Doom." I wait with eagerness for the day that this brawny actor's career plummets to straight-to-video hell where he can kick back with Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme and reminisce about his pro-wrestling days. Until then, I guess winning a Razzie will have to do.
Worst Actress:
The nominees are Jessica Alba for "Into the Blue," Hilary Duff for "The Perfect Man," Jennifer Lopez for "Monster in Law," Jenny McCarthy for "Dirty Love" and Tara Reid for "Alone in the Dark."
The competitiveness of the Worst Actress category this year is rather alarming -- the sooner everyone forgets about these five shrill performances the better it will be for the careers of the poor actresses responsible for them. Hilary Duff has deserved a Raspberry for many of her previous roles (Anyone ever seen "Raise Your Voice?" Don't.), and the sooner Jenny McCarthy's career is put out of its misery the better. But above them both looms Tara Reid's performance for "Alone in the Dark," which was terrible on an almost biblical scale. Seeing Reid bursting out the top of her ridiculously skimpy archaeologist outfit as she stumbles through dialogue like "Gu-uys! There's something ... alive down there!" makes me wonder what I ever liked about this ordinarily appealing actress in the first place.
Worst Screenplay:
The nominees are Nora Ephron, Delilah Ephron and Adam McKay for "Bewitched," Jenny McCarthy for "Dirty Love," Rob Schneider, David Garret and Jason Ward for "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo," John O'Brien for "Dukes of Hazzard" and Lance Khazei for "Son of the Mask."
Here I'm tempted to root for John O'Brien, whose screenplay for "Dukes of Hazzard" managed to mangle the memories of a much-beloved TV series and the career of charismatic actor Burt Reynolds simultaneously.
Another strong contender is Schneider and Company's "Deuce Bigalow" screenplay, which reached untold heights of vulgarity while remaining comically-neutered throughout. But the Razzies would be remiss not to reward Jenny McCarthy's utterly inane screenplay for "Dirty Love."
The whole premise of the film had the unpleasant quality of a multi-colored stain on a dorm room wall -- you don't know where the hell it came from, but damn if it doesn't turn your stomach to look at it.
Worst Director:
The nominees are John Asher for "Dirty Love," Uwe Boll for "Alone in the Dark," Jay Chandrasekhar for "Dukes of Hazzard," Nora Ephron for "Bewitched" and Lawrence Gutterman for "Son of the Mask."
Let me start by saying how utterly depressing it is to see Chandrasekhar, director of such B-movie classics as "Super Troopers" and "Club Dread," placed among these other miserable hacks. Both he and Nora Ephron are too good for this category. Likewise, John Asher at least deserves credit for the courage it must have taken to even attempt to film the screenplay for "Dirty Love" (Asher's marriage to Jenny McCarthy may have had something to do with it).
Which leaves the race between veteran schlockmeister Uwe Boll and the new kid Lawrence Gutterman; between the two of them, I'd pick Gutterman, who seems to have made every wrong decision possible when making "Son of the Mask." A baby that switches from cartoon to live-action and back again? A set that looks like it was vomited on by a giant crayon box? Alan Cumming as a Norse God? I doubt that any amount of talent could have saved this film, but I'm fairly confident that a reasonably intelligent chimpanzee could have done a better job than this.
