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The Dartmouth
May 23, 2024 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

Haute Hufft

It's hard to think of anything else when the weather vacillates between the two miserable extremes of a frigidly cold blizzard and a rainstorm fitting for Noah's Arc. I'm certainly feeling sorry for myself; and my mud-, salt- and rain-soaked pants and shoes are less than thrilled as well.

But with a little help from our celebrity friends, we can learn to get by -- and distract ourselves long enough to remember the things that are truly important in life: awards shows, of course!

Last Monday was a pretty big day in history. Not only was it MLK Day, but it was also a star-studded evening spent at the Golden Globes by way of common room TVs.

While A, B, C (and definitely some D) list celebrities gussied themselves up for a night of walking down the red carpet and delivering semi-drunken unrehearsed award presentation and acceptance speeches, network television allowed us to enjoy the event in the comfort of our own homes: holed up in herds, dressed in Pjs and scarfing down delivery from The Orient.

It goes without saying: when we want to forget our troubles for an hour or two, nothing beats a good game of celebrity scrutiny.

So why do we watch awards shows like the Golden Globes? According to Grace Crandall '06, "It's like a live US Weekly!" Maya Ilowite '06 explains, "I like it all. The clothes, celebrity romances, celebrity breakups... Oh yeah, and the movies." Jessica Chervin clarifies, "I watch the Golden Globes a) because of the clothes and b) because I like to scoff at all of the randos who think they're divine because they're lucky enough (please note the sarcasm) to have their mediocrity feted at the Beverly Hilton." (Ouch!) And Brenna O'Neill '08 adds that she watches for "celebs, clothes and movies all equally. I try to see all the movies up for best movie."

With the actual movies and television shows following as a distant second, the celebrities and clothes take the cake. While some of us root for actors based on what television show or movie they star in -- "Grey's Anatomy," "24" or "Brokeback Mountain" -- an overwhelming majority of us seem to judge based on looks.

Patrick Dempsey, aka Dr. McDreamy on Grey's Anatomy, had all the gals in my living room rooting for him solely for his looks and role in the hit series -- and not necessarily on his acting ability alone.

Heath Ledger also induced some drooling. And Johnny Depp got some mixed reviews. Fashionweekdaily.com claims Depp should "patent his look." Elizabeth DuPuy '08 explains that Depp looked "disgusting." And several other girls, including moi, gush that, no matter what, Depp will always be sexy. It's a certain je ne sais quoi.

But, on that note, it appears that, despite their movie star looks, the males stand in the shadows of the ladies at events like the Golden Globes. While Dana Haffner '06 "noticed a trend in beards" (Or perhaps a trend in trying to pass laziness off for scruffy and sexy? Shave already!), Molly Pierce '06 exclaims, "I don't give a flying f*ck about what guys wear!" Rachel David '06 adds, "I notice [the guys' clothes] when it's not a typical tux (white vest instead of black, or tie rather than bowtie)." And Ms. Ilowite explains, "I noticed the men, but not what they were wearing." Well said, my friend. Well said, indeed.

Men need only to wear a traditional tux in order to evade public scrutiny. The ladies have a tougher task at hand. When it comes to formal gowns, there is good, there is bad, and there is so-bad-it-hurts-to-see.

The stars that shined tended to keep it simple -- and often vintage (or at least "re-used"). Reese Witherspoon, who so gracefully accepted the Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy Award (and reminded us all over again why Reese and Ryan are the forever Hollywood sweethearts), looked stunning in silver and white

vintage Chanel. However, Page Six confirmed on January 18 that this "vintage" was in fact a recycled dress worn by Kirsten Dunst in 2003. Tsk tsk, Chanel. Reese's rep is "a little disappointed" and vows not to accept any more couture from the French house of fashion. I wonder how long that breakup will last.

Yet, despite the small Chanel setback, "actual" vintage Chanel appeared on Natalie Portman, who lit up the red carpet in a black strapless lace tea-length dress. She turned down two Rochas made-for-her gowns to wear the black beauty.

Charlize Theron also channeled vintage feel as she dazzled in a delicate black lacey number from the John Galliano for Dior archives.

Stars who successfully went for of-the-moment designers (a.k.a. not recycled) include Kate Beckinsale (in a white Dior knockout gown), Kiera Knightley (statuesque in a white Valentino column), Sarah Jessica Parker (in a black Rochas floor-length pick), Ziyi Zhang of

"Memoirs of a Geisha" (in strapless chartreuse Armani Prive), Felicity Huffman (in a white and silver empire-waist Marchesa), Michelle Williams (in deep purple Givenchy), Teri Hatcher (in a beaded bronze chiffon Versace mermaid gown) and Eva Longoria (in vixeny red Bob Mackie).

Many Dartmouth gals cited Marcia Cross (in a flattering mango goddess gown) as a dress success of the evening, as well as Scarlett Johansson in red Valentino.

And it seems to be that, contrary to Isaac Mizrahi's rather embarrassing breast-groping action in the "E! Pre-Show," boobs were not the thing of the night. While Scarlett Johansson won a spot on many a viewer's best-dressed list, her breasts seemed to attract some unwanted attention from even the fabulous designer.

Ms. Johansson, whose dress, according to The New York Times, "seemed to offer her bosom as a fertility sacrifice" was the only hello-here-are-my-breasts star to make the best-dressed list. Failed attempts include Pamela Anderson (did she need a sling for her rack?) and Virginia Madsen who's halter top seemed to do nothing in the way of support.

Drew Barrimore, who wore a Gucci gown that had loads of potential, managed to ruin it with some unfortunate sag and nip. As Jess Tory '06 explains, "Nobody needed to see her golden globes!" Ick.

Gena Davis, too, seemed to have bad advice when picking her dress. For such a gorgeous Commander-in-Chief, her red Escada pick was one of the most unflattering dresses found on the Golden Globes carpet. I'm just glad she won a trophy for her acting instead.

Last but not least, we have the unfortunate creation that so unflatteringly swathed the fat-faced Mariah Carey. How in God's name did Karl Lagerfeld agree to create that piece of crap for her? She looks like a sausage-mermaid who has been breast-feeding a non-existent child for the past several weeks. Lisa Melvin '07 astutely comments, "[Carey] can't really dress for her body type. I think she needs a new stylist." Whatever it is, she needs something. Or at least some more fabric.

So what can we take from The 63rd Annual Golden Globes as we freeze and drown up here in New Hampshire? If in doubt, wear vintage Chanel. Don't let Lagerfeld design a custom-made dress three sizes too small for you. Tasteful cleavage is nice. Pre-historic pendulous breasts should be hidden behind some well-structured fabric (unless it's shaped like a sling).

I love living in fantasy world.