For all those physicians out there yearning to coin a new psychological disorder, do not come to Hanover, for I have already discovered "Dartmouth syndrome." This disorder, an epidemic sweeping throughout Dartmouth undergraduate community, strikes during the most bleak winter months. Those afflicted, predominantly '08 girls and "sweet frat dudes," become delusional and lose touch with reality during Wednesday and weekend nights. Those unfortunate ones diagnosed with chronic "Dartmouth syndrome" find themselves virtual prisoners of fraternity basements at any given night. No, it is not SAD -- Seasonal Affective Disorder, the quasi-fictitious malady dreamed up by overzealous psychologists. This disorder is quite real; it is easily observable in most fraternities. Essentially, those with "Dartmouth syndrome" find themselves imbibing countless cups of beer and drifting aimlessly through often ankle-deep refuse consisting of empty Keystone cans, sticky plastic cups and other forms of noisome debris which never found its rightful home in a garbage pail. Those afflicted willingly and repeatedly subject themselves to conditions that citizens of Third World countries desperately strive to escape.
Some of you might believe this activity to be normal behavior for college-age students. I beg to differ. Very few universities have fraternities that ooze with filth as ours do. At any given night, fraternity-goers, a large chunk of the Dartmouth community, are subjected to vile odors that waft nauseatingly though the stale basement air. They wade through piles of trash and ford through puddles of beer just to present themselves to the "bartender." More often than not, they are reduced to begging and pining to the frat boy behind the counter before earning a beer. Most outsiders would consider Dartmouth frat-goers insane, but to us Dartmouth students, we have grown numb to the ridiculousness of the scene. In fact, the grimier the basement, the more popular it is. Any normal human being would eschew such filth as one would the Bubonic plague, but at Dartmouth we embrace it. We are crazy. If our fraternities were transplanted in any urban setting, not only would no one frequent it (though the free beer might attract the village inebriate), it would undoubtedly be closed due to multiple health code violations.
A few clever Dartmouth students have adapted to the inhospitable basement environment. They wear sweatpants and old sneakers to the frats while leaving valuables and dignity safely back at the dorm. However, these frat-frequenters are in the minority. Most females actually dress up! Freshman girls are notorious for this asinine behavior. They cake on make-up, coif their hair, break out the Louis Vutton and shine their shoes.
A few weeks ago, one eager freshman girl strutted up to me in a frat basement and boasted to me about her authentic Tahitian pearl necklace that she currently was wearing. Having barely completed her sentence, some intoxicated brute bumped into the freshman, causing her to dump the remains of her beverage onto her Lacoste shirt, dousing the necklace. A distraught look appeared on her face, though it immediately vanished. She instinctively recalled, "Frat dudes don't dig glum chicks." And surely she consoled herself by the thought that daddy would obviously buy her a shinier pearl necklace for having braved such emotional trauma. This scene is not uncommon in the frats. Well-groomed girls enter fraternities as if entering a Milan fashion show. Hours later, they exit reeking of beer and smoke, stained with mud and muck. This sort of activity must be a boon for the dry-cleaning business at Dartmouth.
As a member of a fraternity, I know that fraternities are much more than just beer and dirty basements. They facilitate lifelong friendships, encourage community service and serve as a support system for its members. Fraternities are beneficial in the development of character and mutual understanding. However, the filthy fraternity basement continues to be a dark spot on the reputation of Greek life at Dartmouth. It is an unhealthy environment for guests and brothers. Instead of solely cracking down on fraternities for open-containers of alcohol and underage drinking, which is the administration's current pet project, they should encourage fraternities to literally "clean up their act." Ultimately, however, it is up to the fraternity members themselves to take responsibility for their houses. The beautiful exterior of some fraternities on campus should have an equally attractive interior. Fraternity brothers need to start taking pride in their houses and the environment to which they contribute.
