By now, it would be safe to assume that only the computer geeks living in the basement of Sudikoff remain unaware of the necessity of budget cuts at Dartmouth. Having taken all of five classes in Economics, I feel myself absolutely qualified to contribute my ideas on how Parkhurst should approach this new diet of fiscal austerity. Any self respecting consultant would tell you that there are three ways to deal with gaping holes in the accounts: One is to cut costs, the second to raise revenue and the third to bury the shortfalls in special purpose entities.
Before the College closes down Sanborn library in a crude cost cutting measure, let me offer an alternative. Quite obviously, Sanborn needs to pay for itself. To start with, stop paying students to serve tea and cookies. Convert the task into a service to the community and half the Greeks would rush for the opportunity to fill up their service quotas. Or even better, make serving tea at Sanborn a basic requirement for all English majors. Want to graduate? Go sell ten cups of Earl Grey. Want honors? Make sure those five packs of mint milanos become cold hard cash by five.
Thrift is key to cutting costs. Henceforth, all faculty shall be given a fixed allowance of one chalk and two pencils for their work. Blood can be used to replace red ink in grading papers. This will not only reduce unnecessary comments and spelling corrections on student papers but also reaffirm faculty lifelong commitment to teaching excellence. Extraneous class handouts should also be cut to reduce the use of paper. Along a similar thread, disposable plates and cutlery used at DDS would be recycled for use. To save on the water bill, a damp cloth would be sufficient to wipe them clean.
Another way to cut costs would be to reduce the mailings that the College sends out. These inevitably find their way at light speed to the recycling bin. I suggest the college turn to chain letters. Instead of wasting money on reams and reams of paper, the college can just print out fifty copies of each mailing with the clear instruction that the receiver must pass it on to the student with the next HB number within 30 minutes. Offenders would face the Wrath of Wright and a $150 fine.
This brings me to revenue generating strategies. I suggest a tripling of all existing fines. Parking enforcement officers must be encouraged to be more diligent in their work. To that end, I recommend that all College staff involved in the area of fine imposition and collection be given the added incentive of a 10 percent commission of all revenue received. All fines must be paid within 3 days of notice or a compound daily interest of 20% would be imposed.
I also recommend the introduction of a new security charge of $200 per term. The installation of dorm locks remind us that the campus is no longer safe. Students should bear the cost for the added security that the college is so graciously providing. I envision a new role for Safety and Security. Our friendly campus security officers would have the added responsibility of ensuring that all fine and security charge payments are prompt. Armed with master keys to every dorm room, Safety and Security officers would also be involved in security education by reminding students of the bad things that can happen to your room when you take security for granted.
The dismal failure to auction off the swimming team on eBay should not discourage Parkhurst. The College has more valuable commodities at hand. A guaranteed place in the '07 class would surely open up Prada wallets in family estates up and down the East Coast. To avoid the crass suggestion that Dartmouth is selling admission slots, these special auction items could be called the Dartmouth Endowed Scholarships. Successful bidders would be allowed to name the intended recipient of their generosity. Reserve price is set at $200,000 and excludes incidental expenses like tuition and dorm charges. Admission to Fuel Dance Club is, of course, included in this very attractive package.
At this time of need, we must not forget our dear alumni. Our loyal alumni must be rallied to the cause of the College. What better way to rouse their spirits than the alma mater. Students could be assigned to call individual alumni and play them a taped rendition of this inspiring song by the sweet voices of the football team. If one rendition is not enough to stir his or her heart, a second or third may be necessary to stir their generosity. A follow-up call the next day would also be useful. If after a week of constant persuasion, the alumnus in question remains stubborn, the offer of a personal serenade by President Wright would surely do the trick.
Finally, the College can turn to special purpose entities to resolve the budget problem. Of course, these intricate financial instruments must be set up well to attract investors. A new company called the Dartmouth Tuition Agency could be set up to collect tuition money for the next ten years. The company would guarantee that 100 percent of the money collected would be paid out as dividends. After a successful IPO, the College would then announce an immediate 75 percent cut in tuition fees and a corresponding increase in Dartmouth Dining Services charges and the student activity fee. Of course, the College remains committed to the tedious and painstaking work of collecting these minor charges and the Dartmouth Tuition Agency would not be the least affected.
I hope my modest proposals will be considered within the secluded walls of Parkhurst. Full implementation of these plans would not only resolve the current budget crisis, but also put the College in good financial standing for a few decades. Like all good things, this plan does not come cheap. Given the bold recommendations, the College should be prepared to defend its interests with some good lawyers--the rugby team could use their tackling skills to convince some loyal alumni to offer these services pro bono. Oh, an open ended one way ticket to the Bahamas might also be useful in case things get a bit tight in Hanover.
