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The Dartmouth
June 21, 2024 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

In Committee

My days at Dartmouth have been colored by a pseudo-political activism, a desire to engender real change in the Dartmouth "community." (One of these days, I'm going to write an editorial on quotation marks.) Operating on the "Student Assembly Model" of effectuality in change, I've conceived throughout my student career a number of committees that have elicited great hope and excitement yet done nothing. Below, I enumerate and summarize these phantom committees along with tentative meeting times (locations: to be announced).

  1. "No Ma'am": Created in response to the "come-hither" glances of the venomous, self-serving she-devils on campus (Hanover is rife with she-devils, you see) and inspired by the long-running Fox sitcom "Married with Children," our goal is to foster solidarity among men in addition to rousing misogynist sentiments among our more timid brethren. Our mindset is that all women on this campus glance over at you suggestively in class or at Food Court with the intention of giving you hope and then you give them a flower or a CD or something, as a token of affection like, and then they spurn you, spurn you like you're dung out of a sick cow. (I'm sorry, personal experience talking here.) Topics to be discussed include: "That Strumpet Ain't Good Enough for You: Bolstering Your Self-Image," "Why 'Men's Health' Was Right," "Be Free, My Brother: There's No Mate in Masturbate," "A Fickle Woman Is a Woman," and "Leaning in for the Kiss: Watch Out for Those Poison Sacs." Mondays at 8.

  2. "Concerned Black Students Who Are White on the Inside": Founded in response to a feeling of potent anti-white-on-the-inside-black sentiment on campus, the committee for Concerned Black Students Who Are White on the Inside (shortened to OREO), is dedicated to supporting black students who are white on the inside across campus. Our more recent triumphs include securing subscriptions to the L.L. Bean and Abercrombie & Fitch catalogs (for all members), the acquisition of Shetland sweaters from the Old Country, and the (forced) admission by a local barber that "it's just like cutting straight hair." Topics to be discussed are "The Right Dockers for Fall 2000: Corduroys or Khakis" (it's corduroys), "The Right Accent for the Twenty-First Century: Suburban Boston or Suburban New York" (it's suburban Boston), "The AAms and the AAm Nots," "The Right Music for Fall 2000: Dave Matthews or Green Day" (it's neither), and "The Right Frat: Chi Gam or Psi U" (undecided). Thursdays at 9. Afros prohibited.

  3. "Committee for the Preservation of the Geek System": The Geek system, as we knew it, ended the day the mainstream considered "Milque & Cookies" a necessary campus event (you know you enjoy the cookies and t-shirts). If this disturbing trend of geek inclusion continues, there will soon be no marginalized group left on campus, hence no one to scoff or laugh at. Once this happens, the Greek system, that gloried institution of everything Dartmouth, will not remain in prominence. The Geeks, in fact, may become the respected representatives of the status quo, making everything from nerd trivia (such as Bill Gates' pet peeves [they're recursive loops and Steve Jobs' style of dress]) to communal showering to drunken chess normal. Yes, your beloved pong would be gone. Topics: "Geek Bashing: Why It's Right" and "The Geeke Is Thyne Eneyme" (from Chaucer's original essay). Sundays at 9.

  4. "Concerned Students Who Got Below the Class Median on the SAT": Self-explanatory. Essentially a support group for those who think Freedman and Wright actually meant "smartest class in the history of the College except for you, idiot." Meeting times have been re-centered to Fridays at 5.

  5. "Committee for Those Whose Resumes Are Only Half a Page": This functionless panel exists basically for those who would like to flesh out their resumes with bogus committees. We, I mean me, don't see this as inherently wrong. It is just not "ethical" (whatever that means). Tuesdays at 10 (yeah, like I'm going to be there). Potential committee names include "Committee for Students" and "Committee for Stuff and Junk."

And to think I've never gotten round to any of these.