Ah, spring. A time when the earth begins to warm, flowers bloom, birds sing again, fathers play catch with their sons, and the sun shines down on everything. A renewal of hope, a clean slate for Mother Nature and humanity alike. And, at Dartmouth, a time for hundreds of prospective students to flock to campus and catch a better glimpse of what going to college in the middle of nowhere might be like.
This year, the influx of prospectives has been concentrated on one weekend, April 13-16. In seven days, doe-eyed high school seniors will dot the campus like a bad case of boils. From the introverted, unassuming cello-players to the arrogant, overbearing valedictorians, they'll all be here -- the best and brightest students America has to offer (well, what's left of them after Harvard and Princeton have picked through the lot). It's really important that we are all on our best behavior and make the campus look nice and green, because we really need these kids to like Dartmouth. Our image in the media recently has been about as glowing as John Rocker's, so I'm sure many of the prospective '04s are a little bit leery of committing four years and $140,000 to a school that's headed in a questionable direction, and rightfully so.
So if you're not hosting a prospective, I expect to see you outside these next couple days picking up litter and maybe raking some leaves or something else to make us look like a more attractive school. Maybe paint "Yale" in big letters on some of the more prominent buildings. And if you are hosting a prospective, congratulations, you're a better person than I am. If your prospective '04 doesn't seem real bright -- you know, if he or she is the type of person who is a few bricks shy of a load and couldn't possibly ever help the value of your Dartmouth degree -- then don't strain yourself. But if your kid's a real winner, like an unbelievably attractive girl or one of those elusive "high ability" students Dean of Admissions Karl Furstenberg is always pining for, then make sure you're extra special nice to him or her. Open doors for them, hold their hands when crossing the street, make sure their shoes are tied before they walk anywhere, try not to urinate on them if you come home sloshed out of your mindyou know the routine.
I understand that the College has planned a whole lot of nifty activities for the prospective students. Make sure you take your prospective to all of these activities. If I hadn't gone to that ice cream social when I was a prospective, I never would have felt comfortable with a place like Dartmouth. There's just something about smooth, delicious ice cream that seems to be a deciding factor in the difficult decision about which college to attend. By the time I was on my second bowl of the delectable taste sensation, I knew that Dartmouth College was a place I could call "home."
(At this point in the column, I'd just like to call a timeout and make sure everyone knows I'm being sarcastic. I'm pretty sure it was obvious, especially when I used the word "nifty," but in case you missed it, this is just a little "heads up," O.K?)
Take your students to class, show them the athletic facilities, take them through the Hop, let them rub Bentley's nose, play frisbee with them on the Green, and tell them about how much you love it here. Take them to the hypnotist or the juggler or the circus or whatever else the administration has planned to keep them entertained. I'd avoid taking them to any Greek parties, not because it isn't a big thing on campus (and we all know better than that), but because if they do choose to attend Dartmouth, there's no guarantee that the Greek system will even still be around. And we wouldn't want to get their hopes up; it'd be like falsely advertising this place (and we're all above that, right?).
Eventually, the awe of being in someplace new will wear off and your prospective will get bored. Maybe he'll want to watch TV. By all means, do NOT let them watch television, especially D-TV. Remember, we're trying not to scare off any of these high-potential kids. And after a few hours in Collis drag painfully by, the prospective students will invariably roll their eyes and ask you what you really do for fun on weekends. And when this happens, you'll swell up with love and pride for your College, look them square in the eye and tell them the truth: whatever the social engineers tell us.
