If you think children are decent human beings, then you haven't ridden Amtrak lately.
At the end of winter break, in my naivet (literal translation: "ratty clothing that I slept in"), I figured there had to be a way I could travel from New York to White River Junction without:
a) Hearing blood-curdling screams.
b) Being bitten.
c) Being pooped on.
So my main objective was, obviously, to avoid children. And if possible, evil birds of prey. Now, I can tell you, with evil birds of prey, there is strategy. You see an evil bird of prey coming, play dead. Unless it happens to be a vulture, in which case, play alive. Or a pterodactyl, in which case, you may as well dive right into an erupting volcano, because man, it's just not your day.
With children, however, all strategy is right out the window! (And children probably threw it.) Kids will surprise you with their craftiness--behind a child's seemingly obnoxious exterior, there usually lies a well-hidden, deceptively obnoxious interior. Young people are a lot like Jekyll and Hyde in this way, except that Jekyll is on permanent holiday, and there is a good chance that Hyde is suffering from the runs.
In any event, I needed to get back to Hanover right after the New Year. I had to be brave. I optimistically climbed the stairs on to Amtrak Train number "Vermonter," out of Penn Station. Then, I encountered them.
One five-year-old fellow passenger of ours, showing as much maturity as your average five-year-old boiled cabbage, felt it absolutely necessary to maintain a constant level of frenzy for hours. No train should be able to pass through Connecticut without the proper level of frenzy! Connecticut must be the Frenzy State! Unfortunately, it soon got to the point where the child's actions were interfering with vital train functions, such as the ability to contain adults who do not wish to commit homicide.
Another toddler felt it would be a good idea (for reasons unbeknownst to even him, I bet) to continuously make swooshing sounds (e.g., "SWOOOSH!") every couple of seconds. For minutes at a time. In an attempt to fool everyone into thinking that where there used to be a grating small child on the train, why now there was a Menacing Low-Flying Aircraft! Look out, Amtrak passengers! Bogey at nine o'clock! While you're trying to sleep. But where did the grating child go? If we're lucky, he may have gotten caught in one of the engines of the Low-Flying Aircraft!
Would there be no stopping the miscreant Hellspawn, before they multiplied? Would the law-abiding, train-riding public be subject to ever-increasing levels of torture? Early reports indicated "yes," because my bid to trade the children in my rail car for a bag of salted peanuts was rejected by the man running the dining car. He said I could not "exchange the future leaders of America for food".
Toward the end of the trip, I had come up with roughly one hundred and sixty-six ways to silence "the future leaders of America", with things found in and about your average Amtrak rail car. Many plans included accidental removal of the "Emergency Exit" window right as the train was passing over anything freezing or dangerous-looking. A few involved telepathy. (In unrelated news, I just silenced your little brother in Montana. What is he doing there? Go ahead, ask him.)
As an aside, for you so-called Human Rights Activists: the horrors I have proposed against these children wouldn't even be considered in a perfect world, because in a perfect world,the same four- and five-year-olds who were misbehaving, would fit very nicely in carry-on luggage.
For the sake of your fellow travel-weary citizens, I implore readers--if you witness anything under 4 feet tall attempting to board a train in the near future, do not hesitate to act in whichever way seems appropriate, so long you feel kidnapping is appropriate. I'm sure the judge will be lenient; you can tell the court I told you it was okay. Desperate times require desperate measures. It may mean the difference between a stairway to Heaven and a railway to Hell.
Don't get me wrong. I adore young children. I even make it a point not to be mean to them, if I see them in public. But trains? Movie theaters? Sidewalks? Places like these should be strictly off-limits. Not just to children, mind you, but to everyone. It is a dangerous world out there. Pterodactyls are ready to strike AT ANY MINUTE.
