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The Dartmouth
July 14, 2025 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

A second opinion: procrastination is a dangerous beast

It's no secret that the Internet is home to some of the most inane nonsense the human mind has ever conceived. Indeed, next to porn, utterly useless websites have become some of the most popular areas on the web, a fact that only points to one undeniable truism-man is inherently pathetic. With an infinite amount of space upon which to create and express his hitherto repressed strivings to a virtually universal public, man shows us what he's really about-nothing at all. Indeed, one surprisingly motivated drunk wrote out the entire lyrics to the preschool classic "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall." Be sure to connect to www.virtual-media.com/vm/presents/ouzo/99bottles.html and get pictures of the wall at each stage of the song.

The uselessness that consumes the web, however, does not stop once each bottle has fallen gracefully to the ground. The web is full of other such ingenious creations. And so, without further ado, here's what you've been missing by going out on the weekends and leading satisfying lives, full of, you know, human contact and stuff.

  1. TP on the mind

http://expert.cc.purdue.edu/~mineart/tpaper2.html

I guess you do have to give the internet credit where credit is due. Where else would you get up-to-the-minute information on the stifling controversy otherwise known as "The Great Toilet Paper Debate?" The question of which way the paper should hang down from the roll (in front or in back) has plagued man for centuries. But now, with the help of the Technological Revolution, you can log onto this site, and to the background music of "The Funky Chicken Dance" enter your ballot in this heated issue.

After sifting through hundreds of imaginative responses, I found some of the more convincing arguments in favor of my particular TP set-up. Needless to say, I really do relate to these guys.

This from Eddie: "In my opinion, 'back' is definitely the correct way. Why? Well, what happens if you happen to roll off an excess of TP? If your TP is 'front' configured, the roll never lines up right when you re-roll it, right? If, however, the roll is 'back' configured, the paper will line up correctly.

Here's another question: You know in the public toilets how the TP dispenser sometimes says, 'Press here for fresh roll'? I keep expecting a pastry or something to come out of there, but it never happens. What's up with that?" Others, such as Red, prefer a less analytic approach: "It definitely goes to the back, to the front is stupid!" Well, that settles it, I guess.

  1. Rock, paper, scissors

http://www.worldrps.com

Not all of us, however, can settle an argument with such intellectual introspection. Indeed, for the vast majority that relies on the Kindergarten method of choice, this site "welcomes you to the exhilarating world of Rock, Paper, Scissors." As the proud official homepage of RPS, worldrps.com provides novices and ranked competitors alike with effective game-playing strategy. I mean, who in grade school, ever fully recognized the importance of psychological manipulation? I'm willing to bet not a one of you.

In addition to helpful hints and psychological seduction, the page comes fully equipped with a cyber-trainer against whom you can compete and refine your skills so that when you finally make it out to tournament play, nothing will come between you and the first prize trophy. As a point of amusement, worldrps.com also has a picture of the "famous Yeltsin vs.Clinton match," won by our surprisingly more sober leader.

If you ever do actually visit this site, don't be ashamed; hold your head up high because however ridiculous it might be to play RPS competitively, it's not nearly as embarrassing as playing Magic...ever.

  1. Rodent lovers only

http://www.hampsterdance.com

If you've got a few hours to kill and no motivation or friends of any kind, I recommend www.hamsterdance.com as a source of self-sufficient, repetitive entertainment. Multiple rows of diverse cartoon hamster personalities shimmy hypnotically to the sweet, quasi-banjo stylings of a robotic hamster voice. Although not yet quite as popular as the Humpty Dance, this catchy tune-a hybrid of folk and old Western gun-chasing music-is sure to be appearing soon in Eurotrash clubs all over the world.

If you've just completed this mini-tour with the cyber screeching persistently echoing through your ears and you're anything like me, then you're holding a sledgehammer to your computer screen at this very moment. Well not so fast, tiger, cause there's a far more deliberate, and I'd venture to say more satisfying, way to destroy your computer.

  1. Destruction

http://members.aol.com/spoons1000/break/index.html

We are now at our final destination. Accompanied by photos of a very deranged individual wielding a power drill, the "Illustrated Guide to Breaking your Computer" details a step-by-step process that takes absolutely no prisoners.

Needless to say, I highly recommend this site.