The springtime is finally here! Which means that there is no better time than the present to go out and get a dog. That's right! There are thousands of undeniable and compelling reasons why everyone should run out and acquire some canine companionship right this minute, most notably the following: The springtime is finally here! And going to the pet store gives you a good excuse to also go to the liquor store for me.
However, there are countless other reasons why acquiring a dog this season would be a beneficial maneuver. A dog by anyone's side raises his or her self-esteem astronomically, especially if he or she is a super hero, and the galaxy's number one most dangerous enemies are cats and gophers and cleanliness. Also, if you are very nice to it, a dog may choose to not run away/make a slobbering mess/bite you for fun/poop uncontrollably all of the time, although this is purely up to the dog's discretion.
Note how I recommend that everyone should run out and "acquire" a dog. Nowhere do I advocate that you actually have to "buy" said dog, which makes things a lot easier. I have this theory about dogs -- after they have been outside for a while, say five or more minutes, they become public domain, and you can pretty much claim any one you want. Collect them all, if you feel like it; it is your right as a citizen. I think of this as an ingenious financial aid plan for potential dog owners. Some might call it "dognapping." To them I say -- so what? Has anyone ever met a dog that didn't love napping? Oh yeah? Well, I bet he was just pretending.
The aforementioned plan is most useful at places where dogs are traditionally bartered for money. Take, for instance, the following scene. (But do not take it too far, as others may also want to look at it.)
You: "I would like to see your most expensive dog."
Store owner: "This poodle here costs seven thousand dollars."
You: "Can I take him outside for a test walk?"
Store owner: "I don't see why not."
You (five minutes later): "Ha! This dog is now legally mine!"
Store owner: "Take it. Now get out of my laundromat."
The good part about this plan is that it is an easy and internationally respected method of procuring a devoted lifelong companion. The bad part about this plan is that you ended up with a poodle. Fear not, it is a common rookie mistake. In 1984, his first year in the league, even current New York pitching sensation Roger Clemens took two poodles, which definitely cost him valuable endorsement dollars.
"Yes," I hear you saying. "I've taken a dog. What next?" Well, you have already completed the crucial first step. Most amateur dog owners do not think of this, and summarily begin caring for their new dog before they have even acquired one. A good way to tell an amateur dog owner from a professional is that the professional actually has a dog, while the amateur is often seen around town walking ordinary household appliances. And remember, after five minutes, those appliances are yours for the taking! Sometimes you can get your hands on a new refrigerator. And, if you are really lucky, it will sometimes contain leftover food from the current year's Super Bowl party. Wait, that's disgusting -- it's May!
Fortunately, I happen to have very telling insights regarding all of the majestic wonders that man's best friend will bring to you each and every day. Unfortunately, I have made them all up. So instead, I will relate to you the story of my friend and her golden retriever, which goes by the alias "Bubby" (or "Mister Puppery," when the friend is feeling especially formal). What do we notice right off the bat? That the dog has obviously had no input as to his nicknames, yes. But what else? That the dog is not any of the following things:
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A poodle.
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An appliance.
This means that my friend qualifies as a well-respected and professional dog owner. The eternal question remains, however: what good does Mister Bubby Puppery bring to my friend on a daily basis?
Let me just tell you. Sometimes when the dog is hungry, my friend throws assorted cornmeal products at it, and the dog DROOLS AND EATS THE CORNMEAL PRODUCTS! Simply reporting it makes my heart begin to race. And sometimes the cornmeal products bounce right off of the dog and fall to the floor, after which point, get this, the dog DROOLS AND EATS THEM! When the dog has been especially bad, my friend will ask it to perform a difficult task, such as to sit there and stare blankly at nothing in particular, before it gets any cornmeal products whatsoever. Any animal must learn to earn!
To summarize, here is a short list of reminders about how to properly care for your newfound friend:
a) Always give your dog plenty of food.
b) Unless you want to eat, too.
c) Because, let's face it, there is a limited number of cornmeal products in this world.
Since you are now fully prepared to go out and claim a dog for your very own, I will not delay you any longer. Good luck and happy hunting. And while you are out, pick me up a bottle of scotch.