Let's Start a Revolution

by Rob Valet | 10/23/98 5:00am

Lately it seems we have a lot of freshmen punks around here bent on taking over the world. Well, at least that one kid with his rise of capitalism or whatever. Back in my day (last year), we freshmen didn't spend our time planning massive overhauls of the global socioeconomic order. Between attempting to hook up and locating food, that pretty much rounded out our brain wave activity for the day.

But reading about people who have discovered the answers to life, the universe and everything before they are old enough to purchase alcohol has made me realize that I need to get in gear. You see, although I haven't done much about it yet, I am planning on taking over the world as well.

I am not quite sure how I am going to go about doing this. From what I've seen lately, it seems like a pretty good tactic to write columns in The Dartmouth, wait until people write other columns to criticize me and then dedicate several future installments to explaining what morons the opposition writers are and how I was correct all along.

So I guess I'll keep doing The D thing to help keep my future political ascendancy rolling. However, all-powerful though you ordinary civilians may imagine The D to be (Remember when Richard Nixon died? Well, The D killed him! Old age my butt, Richard Nixon was one of the immortal evil! The D had to drive an oak stake through his heart to end his reign of terror!), there are some limits to The D's all-encompassing power. For instance, The D should not get wet and must not be fed after midnight.

So if I am really serious about spreading my revolution, I will have to utilize additional methods to ensure my ultimate success. Maybe I'll get a show on WDCR. I do not think of myself as overly coherent, but in my DCR listening experience it doesn't seem that that is really an issue. ("Caller? Are you there? Wait, is this thing on?").

Definitely one of my moves will be to solidify my military control around here. One of my friends is in ROTC, so I figure that is a pretty good start. Backed by my personal military, I will be able to liquidate any incidental freshmen who are laboring under the impression that they are having revolutions as well.

Next, my military will seize the Hop. We will withhold access to Hop fries to all but the loyal, and very soon the opposition will cave, unable to tolerate life without the golden brown deep fat fried goodness. With that, Dartmouth shall be mine. Similar logic applies to the rest of the world, except that I will need a slightly larger ROTC detachment and more Hop fries.

Once I have seized power, I will be sure that I properly abuse it. For instance, it will not take upwards of a half-hour for me to get something from the grill line at Thayer. Nor shall there be a similar delay for a sandwich, except under pain of dire repercussions. ("No fries for you, Food Court lady!").

Other examples of my new power shall be demonstrated at the Reserve Desk. There, other members of my classes will be able to borrow books on a three-minute reserve system, with fines of $500 for every minute late. I will check out books on ten-year reserve, so that but once a decade I will have to get up before eight in the morning to get a book back on time.

So if any of you other freshmen were planning on taking over the world and spreading your strange little pervert ideologies, keep your respective rises of capitalism to yourself. Or no Hop fries for you!