Bert and Ernie are two typical 2002 class members whose names have been changed to protect their true identities. Like the average pyromaniacal '02, they are intrigued by the thought of a raging inferno smack dab in the middle of the Green. The following dialogue was overheard and is published here to increase your awareness of proper bonfire procedures.
Bert: I am so pumped about this bonfire. I've seen pictures of it, and it just looks so great.
Ernie: Yeah, I'm psyched about construction with huge pieces of wood. I think that we should make a special addition to the bonfire this year. We could get there Thursday night and build something on top of the structure, like a little personal touch, you know?
Bert: That wouldn't be too smart, since student supervisors have to be there for any building to occur. But even more scary, Safety and Security will be monitoring the structure Thursday night, since no students are allowed.
Ernie: That's not cool. You know what else I heard? Aren't they giving out free donuts and cider on Thursday and Friday to the morning builders?
Bert: Yeah, I'll definitely be there early for that. Besides, I'd hate to get there all late on Friday afternoon, and the darn thing is already finished. I want to add my touch.
Ernie: Count me in. Wait a minute, don't we get to wear those awesome green '02 hardhats?
Bert: We sure do. We also get to wear workman's gloves. Talk about perks.
Ernie: I hope I get to hold the drill sometime. I love hammering and nailing wood together.
Bert: Whoa, back up there. No drilling or nailing is necessary. All we have to do is to stack the wood in the right pattern. This thing was engineered by a Thayer engineering professor years and years ago, and all it needs is wood and gravity.
Ernie: Wow. That's great, but I've never built anything like that before. I won't know what I'm doing.
Bert: Sure you will, some experienced members of the college bonfire committee from last year will show us how to build it properly. Don't worry about it. We'll have lots of fun with the music and all of our dorm buddies.
Ernie: That sounds good. What other safety junk is there?
Bert: I think that no more than six people are allowed on the structure at a time.
Ernie: That makes sense. Then I'll have more room to paint my name in big letters. Better yet, let's go berzerk with it and paint the whole thing bright yellow and neon green.
Bert: Wait a minute. You're not gonna use paint are you?
Ernie: Sure, why not just slosh it on?
Bert: If you do that, then everyone who climbs it is gonna ruin their clothes -- and our dedication too. Just bring all of your magic markers. That's neater anyway, and it won't release toxic junk when it's burned.
Ernie: I guess that makes sense. We'd better abide by the "Bonfire Safety Policy and Procedures," you know, the yellow Pages, while we're working on it. Although some of those Safety and Security guys and gals are pretty fly.
Bert: Yep, otherwise, you could get into big trouble. The Hanover Police will be there (the real deal), and any destructive or harmful behavior, especially that which places people at risk of injury, may result in the cancellation of the whole darn thing from here on out.
Ernie: Wow, that's pretty intense. By the way, who gets to light it? Do we all just toss matches in that general direction? Will I get to douse it in lighter fluid?
Bert: Yeah, right. We'll leave the kerosene to the directors who know what they're doing. One thing that we might be able to do, though, is to light the bonfire.
Ernie: Oh my gosh. I have to write to everyone -- my brother, mom and dad, John and the guys, and that weird girl that sits behind me in math -- to tell them that I'm gonna light the Class of 2002 Bonfire. I get to light the fire, I get to light the fire ...
Bert: ...Whoa, whoa, whoa -- wait just a minute. I said that we may be able to light it. Calm down. Only the six freshmen who have done the most work during the building process will get to light the bonfire. That means that if you really want to do it, you've got to put in the time and effort. Nothing comes that easily at Dartmouth.
Ernie: Well that changes everything. I guess I should hold off on those postage stamps for a bit. But I still plan to work hard. Besides, it'll be a lot of fun. I'm psyched, when do we start?
Bert: First, ask your dorm rep when your cluster is scheduled to build. Or you can start looking around your dorm for fliers. Sign up, it's gonna be great. If all goes well, Homecoming Weekend will rock.
