Hey, how are you?" "Good, how are you?" "Fine thanks ... So what classes are you taking?" "So ... did you have a good weekend?" "So ... did you rush anywhere?" "So ... when are we gonna hang out?" "Why don't I ever see you?" "We should get lunch sometime." "Yeah, blitz me, and we'll do that."
Does this sound familiar to you? Do you run into people all over campus that you know? Do you not really know them that well? Do you hardly ever see them? Do you find that, even though you may want to talk to them and get to know them, you can't seem to ever get past idle small talk? Or do you simply insist on making small talk just to continue the appearance of some type of cordial relationship when the fact is that you are merely acquaintances, with little interest in what is going on with the other person? Can you honestly remember what classes that person is taking or what house they joined the next time you run into them? Do you care? Do they care that you can't remember? Do they ask you what you did last night just so they can tell you what they did when you ask out of obligation? Does the superficial nature of your conversations barely stay hidden under the fact that you don't really plan to have lunch or hang out or anything of the sort because the truth is that you have your life and they have their's?
Why not just admit it? Small talk sucks. The next time someone asks you what classes you're taking, and you know they won't remember five minutes later, respond to them, "Oh, my roommate committed suicide, and I get a 4.0 this term, so I don't go to class." If they say, "Oh. Well, my classes are really hard," and then they tell you about them, you should just walk away. If they take you aside and say "Isn't that the coolest policy? You killed him and made it look like a suicide didn't you?," then you should make this person a friend.
If they ask you if you had a good weekend, don't make the usual response of "Yeah, dude, I got soooo wasted." Instead say, "Well, my girlfriend dumped me, I slept through two midterms on Friday, our house got derecognized, my parents just got divorced, the world economy is in shambles, and I just can't seem to find any sort of clothing style to draw attention away from my huge ass." If they say, "Oh. That's too bad," and then expect you to ask them how their weekend was, you know they are one of the above people. If they pull you aside and tell you that your ass really isn't that noticeable, then you should plan on making this person a bigger part of your life.
Why do we have to make small talk? Silence can be so fun sometimes. If it's awkward because there's nothing to say, then why bother saying anything? Just leave. Nobody wants to be stuck in a conversation where there's nothing concrete happening and people are just talking because they feel they have to. Instead you could say, "Wow, you and I have nothing in common, and I find our conversations together very boring, pointless and frivolous. Please understand that when either of us has something of import to say, we should both feel free to speak up in the hopes that we can build some sort of a relationship, but this endless chatter about nothing is really grating me as I'm sure it is you."
That way, when you really do have something to say, it will be noticed, important and might start a dialogue of some sorts. I've found that the people who do not make small talk with me are often the people who have the most interesting stuff to say. They just seem shy at first because they don't mince words.
Now I'm not saying that I don't make small talk. Anyone who knows me knows that I talk a lot and am always starting conversations with people or burdening others with my problems when given the opportunity. But I try to only do that to people who are genuinely interested in what I have to say. If I'm having a bad day, and someone I vaguely know asks me how I am, I just say, "Good. How are you?" I don't tell them my life story because they don't need to know and don't really care all that much. Greeting people you know is an act of courtesy; it is neither an invitation nor an obligation to talk.
Small talk is a valuable part of building relationships, but only when it isn't forced. If conversations flow and you're having fun and enjoying the conversation, and it seems as though the other person is too, then by all means chatter on. People make friends by chatting. Groups develop around similar interests and opinions. For example, Long Islanders may have relationships through their common geographic origin. This may facilitate friendship and further deeper conversation not centering around malls, the newest diner or how funny that Long Island blitz was (What a hoot!). However, if it doesn't, there's no need to insist on talking to someone just because there is a common interest which makes you acquaintances. Instead, here are some potential conversation starting questions. Man to Man: If you could have any woman in the nation, why the hell would you pick Monica Lewinsky? Man to Woman: So, isn't that a shame what they're doing to that poor Monica Lewinsky? Woman to Man: If I could have any man in the world, why the hell would I pick you when I could have Bill Clinton? Anyone to Me: So, do you like Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman?
