Over Christmas break, I did most of the usual things -- sleeping in, spending quality time with the fam in front of the TV and on long car rides to the mall and catching up with old friends. Since I had been away all term in London, there was the inevitable culture shock -- but it wasn't between Britain and "the States." It was between my small Midwestern town and Dartmouth. I guess it's been there for a while, but this break brought it to a new level.
A bunch of my friends and I got together at someone's house, and spent the night talking about the funny things we did as kids and how our lives are going at school. The reason for our gathering, though, was a bit shocking. One of my oldest friends is getting married! We actually held a shower for her. We had no idea what we were doing -- I had never been to one before.
This friend in particular makes the event even more shocking to me, since we were best friends between second and ninth grade. We were inseparable -- our teachers had to move our lockers because we talked so much in fifth grade. She was also the one who always loved to climb trees and make dams in the mud with me and the one who hung around with me that summer I had my first boyfriend. I still can't believe she's really doing it.
I certainly can't object to the guy she's marrying -- I think I have first dibs, since I declared him my boyfriend in kindergarten, although I think he's been scared of me ever since. And they both plan to continue their education. Her family definitely approves, and his is in love with her too. But how can she know that she wants to spend the next sixty years with this guy? And won't it be hard to squeeze in time with the textbooks between using her new wok and pasta maker? Some of their absorption with each other will have to wear out. How will they deal with that? If she can't survive not seeing him for three days, how will she weather juggling their educational, career and family goals?
This engagement took me by surprise, but it shouldn't have. Most of my friends from home will be doing the same thing a year from now when we graduate. And I guess there is some logic behind it. If you've met someone who you know is the one, it seems silly to wait. And, if you have strict morals about sex, that is a justifiable reason, too.
But I still feel like it's kind of silly to move right out of your parents' house into a family of your own. Don't people need time to figure out what they want out of life, where they're going? Is she crazy for deciding to get married even though she won't be old enough to drink the champagne at her own wedding? Or am I, for refusing to consider the possibility of marriage for at least another ten years? I have better things to do with my life, right?
What is going on here? Why are there such big differences between my friends and me? Some of these differences are definitely regional and cultural. When I visited Dartmouth as a prospective, my mom went to her 20th high school reunion in New England -- and all her classmates had toddlers. My mother followed the Midwestern pattern and was only twenty when she married. Although I had some of the oldest parents of my high school class, I have young ones here. In my small Midwestern town, people are expected to settle down before they really get started in life. And a family is seen as the most important part of that life. But here people are more concerned with careers. They need time to figure out where they're going, to get established. A family comes after those things.
For me, I think I lean toward the Dartmouth path. That independent attitude is one of the many reasons I go here -- 1,000 miles from home. I have to make my own friends, take care of myself and live with people who grew up in different places. Traveling back and forth, though, creates difficulties. Although I always knew that I didn't really fit in there, I still have connections with those people and that way of life.
My mind is made up, though. I was rather inspired by a friend in London who decided to move to Prague after graduation to become a writer. Maybe I'll just take off and see where my destiny lies. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm sure it's not the "semi-detached with a garage and a garden" -- the English equivalent of the suburban split ranch. I just have to be happy for my friend and not second-guess her judgement, and trust that my destiny will lead me where I'm meant to be.
