Tonight hundreds of women and some men will march throughout the campus chanting and making noise as part of the annual Take Back the Night march. As they march, some will join them, some will watch and some will question why. I am writing this column to answer "why."
Concern about being sexually assaulted is a part of the daily lives of nearly every woman I know, although the precautions they take have become so routine that many no longer think twice about them. My women friends watch how they dress, where they go, what signals they send and how much they are drinking in a way that my male friends do not.
Even at Dartmouth, where it is highly unlikely that a stranger will jump from behind the bushes, women are often afraid to walk alone in the dark, particularly in dimly lit sections of the campus.
Estimates of the number of women sexually assaulted every year vary widely, as most remain unreported. But, whatever the number, whatever the statistic, it is far, far too high. Most assaulters are not strangers, but friends, acquaintances, boyfriends, girlfriends, partners, spouses.
The emotional impact is devastating. Rape and sexual assault are violent crimes that violate the most personal and intimate space of women. The enormous psychological and physical ramifications of sexual violence for women are readily apparent when you visit the Clothesline Project, which is currently displayed in Collis Common Ground.
The Take Back the Night march is a time for women to demonstrate their anger at the amount of sexual assault that occurs, to share their own experiences and to demand an end to these crimes. While men are sexually assaulted as well and their experiences are important to recognize, the focus of the march remains on women, as they are the vast majority of the victims. The support of men is appreciated, but, for once, their presence is not necessary for protection. Women show that they can take care of themselves and call for a world where they will no longer have to worry.
On a personal level, the march means a great deal to me, as I understand both the pain of sexual assault and the repercussions of silence.
I was sexually assaulted my freshman fall. I told no one, not my friends, my roommate or my family. I feared being blamed and judged, being told it was my fault. I was afraid that all the friends that I had just made would dissipate if they knew. So, I said nothing.
My sense of control over myself, my life and my body had been taken from me. I felt empty and dirty. The self-confidence and faith in myself that had gotten me here was gone. What was left were doubts, insecurities and fears.
All I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and withdraw from the world. But I feared being alone, I feared the dark and I feared my own thoughts. When I slept, I frequently had nightmares.
Something inside of me wouldn't let me give up. So I threw myself into any and every organization I could find. I juggled a million and one activities in order to keep myself busy all day, every day. Everyone thought I could do it all, when, in reality, it was difficult to just keep myself together and functioning.
Because I couldn't tell my friends or family, I was further isolated. Those who were supposed to care most about me didn't realize that there was anything wrong. I felt completely alone.
Over two years later, I have survived and achieved what some would define as success at Dartmouth. But that experience my freshman fall has marked me. It has made every obstacle loom larger. It has enhanced the level of emotional turmoil I have experienced. It has distanced me from my friends. I have expended so much time and energy rebuilding my belief in myself.
I have finally come to realize that it was not my fault and that I shouldn't blame myself. The one thing that I should have done differently was to tell someone after it happened. I wish I had realized the number of resources Dartmouth has available for victims of sexual assault. I wish I had realized I was not alone.
The power of the Take Back the Night march is that it demonstrates the sheer numbers of people who have been sexually assaulted as well as the support that exists for survivors. The march is a time to break the silence and to reclaim, at least for a few hours, the control which has been taken away.
Your presence is important and would be valued.
