Women of Dartmouth, throw down your beers, renounce your trust funds. Starch those aprons your grandmother saved for your wedding trunks and dust off your copies of Joy of Cooking. While you're at it -- withdraw from Dartmouth completely and get a full refund. (You can use it for the honeymoon.) We're only here to find husbands anyway, and the perfect man awaits. It's Amiri.
Amiri Barksdale '96 may well be the most eligible bachelor walking the campus today. So easy to please, all he wants is a girl who can dance the night away only to rise bright and early to serve him breakfast in bed. (Don't worry about hangovers or exhaustion, we won't be drinking to get loose anymore. Amiri likes us just the way we are.)
Women, black and white alike, we have been denying ourselves a great luxury by not seeking out men like Amiri earlier. He's not concerned with money. He's perfectly willing to let us order whatever we'd like when we go to eat, and he scoffs at trust funds and credit cards. Fiscal security is right at our fingertips, no more financial aid forms for us!
Amiri even seems to be able to combat the arctic cold of Hanover. No need for winter clothing supplies to be sent to our HBs anymore.
So you're from the South and this is your first winter ever, come on -- who really needs that pair of mittens from J. Crew. Can't you knit your own? Aunt Jemima could.
Amiri realizes the hidden truth about Dartmouth women. We've been waiting all this time to find someone who could make us feel useful and servile. We're not here for an education at all, and now we don't have to pretend. What a relief. (I don't know about you, but I was tired of lugging around all those silly books.)
Amiri even manages to illustrate his '90s mentality through his encouragement of interracial dating.
I hope it applies not only to black women dating white men, but also to white women dating black men. I would hate to miss out on this wonderful opportunity due to the color of my skin.
Well, the timer is ringing in my kitchen. I think it's the chicken cutlet I was cooking for a study break between Psychology and Geography readings. Before I lay down my pen to whip up some gravy, I'll leave you with this thought:
Amiri's use of stereotypes and illogic was a direct insult to all self-respecting women of Dartmouth.
We have worked hard to get to where we are, and his ridiculous remarks can not belittle those efforts.
Sorry, Amiri, it's not that we couldn't meet your expectations. We just have better things to do.
