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(11/02/01 11:00am)
The fact that I've spent the past 24 hours studying for my midterm (meaning, not sleeping) and the fact that I've just turned the big 2-0 (2 O?) makes it a most auspicious time for me to be attempting to write an articulate D column. I'm sure you agree.
(10/05/01 9:00am)
Well. Here I am, last in the columnist rotation. For the first time in my Dartmouth career I've read all the Op-Eds of the past two weeks. Even when overcome with an overwhelming desire to vomit.
(08/20/01 9:00am)
You spend time in the Hop Woodshop making canvas stretchers and decide to also make a bookshelf. Learn how to plane wood. Learn how to use the radial-arm saw. You learn how to use a whole milieu of Big Scary Power Tools that Cut Things and then feel superior to all those who do not know how to use Big Scary Power Tools. Get a splinter. Whimper. Tell roommates you got a splinter. Show them the splinter and whimper some more. Have your pre-med roommate take it out while you whimper. Put peroxide on it. Hehe. You were only having fun whimpering.
(08/14/01 9:00am)
You know, with every week that goes by I just can't help but fall more and more in love with Dartmouth. My roommate pointed out a poster tacked up on one of the bulletin boards in Mid Mass -- and what it said, well, it just made me proud to be attending this fine institution. The level of activism that occurs on this campus to further the general good and to cater to the needs of the oppressed is just absolutely stunning -- unparalleled. Mind-blowing. This is what the poster said:
(08/01/01 9:00am)
Well, well. Hello, '05s. It's two o'clock
(07/27/01 9:00am)
Move in. Carry 12 50-pound boxes up four flights of stairs. Discover that if you take a short break on the second floor, you can make it up to your room without passing out. Contemplate taking up a life of Zen asceticism so as to make things easier on yourself. Reject such a thought as soon as you realize that existence would be utterly meaningless without your Forman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine, your collection of 5,000 Vogue magazines -- dating back to 1954 (you might at some point urgently need to refer to any one of them) and the pieces of scrap metal you've collected over the past term just in case you decide to take Sculpture II. Buy a back brace.
(06/29/01 9:00am)
Since it's sophomore summer (finally!), I believe I'll cultivate a more intimate tone in my column for my fellow '03s and for those random non-'03s out there. Make it more chatty-like. Good idea, no? My logic is this: if any of you send me blitzes pointing out the worthlessness of a particular article of mine, I have a pretty good chance of hunting you down and destroying you, seeing as the Dartmouth population has been reduced to a measly thousand or so souls.
(05/17/01 9:00am)
INTO THE WOODS -- ADDING TO DARTMOUTH TRADITION. I figure since this is my last article for a while before sophomore summer, I'd end the term off with a bang. I saw "Into the Woods" a week or two ago, and since it was so great (go see it if it's still playing if not, well then, too bad), anyway, since it was so great, I've decided to share a fairy tale with y'all.
(05/04/01 9:00am)
It's time to speak of mentoring. No, no! Come back! This is still a humor column and I'm not actually going to present you with an opinion. Seriously, I cringe at opinions; I shudder; I convulse -- especially when they're not mine and are, therefore, wrong. I will reserve my potentially provocative -- read: liberal, read: radical, read: socialist, read un-American, goddamn Commie-pinko opinions for a future date. And by future date I mean when I have armed and able-bodied protection against those minions at that lovely bastion of conservatism on campus (to think I once thought, as a nave fresh(wo)man, that they were an underground publication devoted to sex, drugs, and rock and roll -- how easily the young are deceived).
(04/03/01 9:00am)
Today's column is comprised of a series of unrelated, or at most, tenuously related topics. (By acknowledging the lack of coherence in this article, I render your -- the reader's -- observation that "this article is merely comprised of a series of unrelated, or at most, tenuously related topics" irrelevant, redundant, and downright obnoxious.) Why? For one thing, I'm lazy. Horrifyingly, life-threateningly lazy. For the other, the 55 incomprehensible chapters I'm due to read in the next 48 hours prevent me from even attempting anything beyond the wonders of the "cut and paste." (Note to self: am taking course to fulfill QDS this term. What is this thing they call a "cube"?) Therefore, I refer you a few hastily typed rantings on the scurrilous nature of college life and a few self-important sentences concerning the existential angst I occasionally--okay, fine, perpetually and neurotically--experience.
(01/26/01 11:00am)
I am ashamed. I am ashamed that during my junior year of high school I bought one of the earliest 'N Sync singles (FYI, the song's "I Want You Back"). I am ashamed that I sometimes crave liver. I am ashamed that I can chug a beer faster than the rest of my girlfriends--strike that, I'm actually quite proud of this. I am ashamed that, for almost an entire year of my pubescent life, I thought that Leonardo DiCaprio and I were "meant to be." I am ashamed that I will reside, for the greater part of the next three years, in a state that voted Stupid (i.e., Republican). I am ashamed that I sometimes use politically inflammatory language merely to maintain Bush as a perpetual object of ridicule in my humor column--actually, no, I'm glad that I've come across and implemented this technique as it is remarkably useful when trying to fulfill a column word count of at least 600 -- 53 words, right there, in one fell swoop.
(01/12/01 11:00am)
I'm taking a four-course load this winter, and including three (let me repeat, three) required x-hours every single week, I will be having a grand total of 17 hours of class a week. And not a single one of these four classes can be accurately described as "sluttishly easy," "mad easy, yo" or even "hella easy, dude." I attribute the decision to inflict upon myself a schedule of such dubious proportions to both my inherent insanity and the ridiculous nature of the D-plan. Yes, yes, another article bitching about an established institution at Dartmouth. (At least I'm not going to mention the Ess El Eye. But let's face it kids, in a matter of minutes we'll have a dry campus and the Nyquil will be confiscated from our dorms.)
(11/15/00 11:00am)
Warning: This article was to have run last Wednesday, but as many people inexplicably decided to have opinions, some of which were wretchedly incorrect, i.e., "Bush would be a great president" -- my column today will be riddled with anachronisms. True, I could correct tenses and edit but there exist circumstances beyond my control, i.e., a life-threatening condition called apathy and raspberry-flavored Stoli.
(10/27/00 9:00am)
My Dear Masses of Adoring Readers -- greetings. Indubitably, you're ecstatic to be reading another article of mine just as I too am filled with an unbearable ecstasy, bordering on orgasmic, to be sitting at my computer this lovely afternoon, rolling the words across my tongue and pondering what wisdom I should drop into your ready ears.
(10/12/00 9:00am)
What to talk about? What shall I put to page at this ungodly hour? As per the instructions of the powers that be, I write of my internship this summer. Let it be known, I do this, not so much to amuse you, myself or any other freak of nature who has the time to read the op-eds (we all know the only reason anyone picks up the paper is to read BDG); rather, it is to appease the blood-lust of my editor (hallo, Courtney!). Therefore, dear (freak of nature) reader, forgive the inadequacies.
(05/17/00 9:00am)
Here it is: Nancy's Student Life Initiative -- an attempt to enhance the quality of living here at Dartmouth. Exactly 2,086 op-ed articles have been written by '03s complaining about Room Draw (one for each rising sophomore currently without housing), so I will not address this issue. Except, of course, to say that I will be living in the basement of South Fayers. Haha! Yay for sexual favors and a complete lack of morality!
(05/04/00 9:00am)
Job search. What two words can strike fear into a senior's heart like "job search"? Unless of course, it's "unemployed forever" or "dirt poor."
(04/24/00 9:00am)
Hello, out there. After months of careful consideration, I've decided to become an Athlete. However, rather than actually trying out for a specific sport or making any undue effort on my own part, I'm going to put this column to use and make it a forum for the pursuit of my athletic career and eventual superstardom.
(03/29/00 10:00am)
You'd think that I'd have figured out the general orientation of the campus by now. Ah, well, that's where I have you deceived. At the end of last term, I went to the library to look for books on any ol' artist for a short, two page (very short) paper for art class.
(02/25/00 11:00am)
Last Saturday, I saw a certain special movie it was "Titanic meets Lord of the Flies meets Full Metal Jacket meets the Swiss Family Robinson." Also known as, "Hollywood's Homage to Leo: A Lesson in Prepubescent Lust and Big Ticket Sales." The movie formerly known as "The Beach" is a film of "stunning cinematic brilliance." Hum. This is according to some guy called Earl Datman from Wireless Magazine. Personally, I don't think I would go that far