Last Saturday, I saw a certain special movie it was "Titanic meets Lord of the Flies meets Full Metal Jacket meets the Swiss Family Robinson." Also known as, "Hollywood's Homage to Leo: A Lesson in Prepubescent Lust and Big Ticket Sales." The movie formerly known as "The Beach" is a film of "stunning cinematic brilliance." Hum. This is according to some guy called Earl Datman from Wireless Magazine. Personally, I don't think I would go that far
Okay, so there's this guy, Richard, who is, in actuality, Jack Dawson. (For the sake of appearances, I'll refer to him as Richard from now on, but really let's not kid ourselves.) Richard (Jack) is in Bangkok, and he tells us, via voice-overs that being a typical tourist sucks. Isn't that, like, sooo, like transcendental? While being cool and non-touristy, he's accosted by a suitably psycho British man who turns out, remarkably enough, to know of this secret island paradise. On this secret island paradise, to quote from the movie, there is "mad weed."
Maaad weed.
Moving erratically along, Richard (Jack) meets Francoise, a hot French chick (Rose DeWitt Bukater), who is unfortunately, already linked with Etienne (sole obstacle to the actualization of the true love that is obviously lurking between Francoise and Richard). The three set out, and after swimming two kilometers, reach the island, and voila -- paradise. Now, in my mind, this is an impossibility. But hey, what need have we for realism?
Let's take a quick look at the breathtakingly poignant interaction between Richard (Jack) and Francoise (Rose).
Richard: Gee whiz, you're pretty.
Francoise: Thanks.
Richard: Almost as pretty as me!
Francoise: That is just the kind of pretentious bullshit Americans say to French girls to get them to sleep with them.
Richard: Yeehaw! I'm King of the World!
Needless to say, the island paradise is not all it's cracked up to be. All play and no work makes beautiful and buff people mean. Fortunately, there's no need to sit through any attempt at character or plot development before we reach the climax/denouement (both of which occur within an interval of approximately eight seconds). One day, a happy little community the next, a cast of actors attempting to render us horrified at the deterioration of humanity through heavy panting, spasmodic gesticulation, and sitting in the dark. (Note to self when aspiring to dizzying dramatic heights within the film industry: sitting in the dark makes an actor bad, sad, or mad.) Truly a thing of beauty and a sight to behold.
However, let's not dismiss "The Beach" as nothing more than a feeble attempt to appeal to the senses of the less discerning. There are many redeeming points to the movie. In fact, here's a list of the things I've learned:
1.Leonardo DiCaprio is beautiful.
2.Plankton glow in the dark when disturbed.
3.There's no discernable need to breathe when kissing. Especially if you're underwater.
4.Leo is even more beautiful when wet.
5.Leo should be wet most of the time.
6.Too much weed and Gameboy is not good. (I never would have figured.)
7.It is not advisable to run amuck in a marijuana field. It is probably someone else's.
8.When caught by the gun-toting owners of said marijuana field, do not fumble for "American dollars." There is potential for misinterpretation.
9.Americans are stupid.
- Leo is prettier than his co-star.
Having said all of this I bid thee go see "The Beach."
But only for the special effects.
