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You spend time in the Hop Woodshop making canvas stretchers and decide to also make a bookshelf. Learn how to plane wood. Learn how to use the radial-arm saw. You learn how to use a whole milieu of Big Scary Power Tools that Cut Things and then feel superior to all those who do not know how to use Big Scary Power Tools. Get a splinter. Whimper. Tell roommates you got a splinter. Show them the splinter and whimper some more. Have your pre-med roommate take it out while you whimper. Put peroxide on it. Hehe. You were only having fun whimpering.
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Wear sandals while tossing a Frisbee (a "disc") on the Green. Summer is just great. Wake up the next morning with pain in your ankle. Complain about the pain. Complain a lot about the pain. Limp. Have everyone think that you are overreacting. Even you think that you are only overreacting. Go to Dick's House after a week's time and find out that you had been walking on a torn something -- ligament or tendon or fallopian tube. Feel justified for complaining.
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Go to the Asian Studies Center for dinner and stand too close to a frying pan. Have hot grease come flying at you. It hurts but you worry more about your tank top. This is an important tank top. Get an ice pack. The tank top is not ruined. The burns look gross. There is scarring. That sucks. There is a scar that looks like something landed on you and then slid down -- which is what happened. That particular scar looks pretty cool but still you are glad you were not standing next to the stove naked.
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Wear your flip flops down until they have lost all tread. One day, when it is raining, try to cross the street. But because of that funny way you have of walking that is more like sliding across the ground instead of walking, you skate into a half split, half bow type formation in the middle of the street between Casque & Gauntlet and Collis Center. You remain in this position for a while and look around you. You say, "TA-DA!"
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Another day, and of course you are wearing flip flops, you walk into the Hop and you are going down the stairs when all of a sudden you are flying. There are those who might categorize this flight as a fall, but really, you are flying. During your time in the air you think many things. You think, "Wow. This must be what being a gymnast is like." You think about becoming an Olympic gymnast. You think about winning the gold and then realize that you have breasts and of course you cannot be a gymnast with breasts unless you are a male gymnast. You decide not to become an Olympic gymnast. Then, you land on the ground on your two knees and a thumb. This is what Keri Strug must have felt like in '96.
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Learn how to interpret literature -- the "Right" way. Realize that the poster your roommate put up -- the one that says "High Fidelity" -- is not actually a poster advertising the film"High Fidelity." No. Actually, the way John Cusack is looking at you in the poster, in fact, means, "Hello, Dartmouth men and women, stop being persecuted by the 'Womyn!' Be subversive! Overthrow the administration and follow the Righteous Savior of the Disenfranchised -- George W. Bush."
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Love how those who are the first to "get up, stand up, stand up for their rights," i.e., "Dartmouth is oppressing me and taking my freedom of speech away!" are also the first to say "Sit down, shut up! You are too sensitive! If I hear you say that you are offended again I'm going to lynch you! I am the one who is oppressed! I am oppressed by that very powerful Angry GLBT Woman of Color who makes the existence of every hetero white male a daily struggle!" You also gotta love the "I have women/minority/GLBT friends! Therefore I cannot possibly be sexist or racist or homophobic!"
God forbid I ever be "negative" because God knows that Dartmouth is such a haven for minorities. Look how we overrun the place.
To my non Right-Wing Readers: have a great interim and may you never be "intimidated by the inherent power of big balls." Shiver. They're so scary.
