Here it is: Nancy's Student Life Initiative -- an attempt to enhance the quality of living here at Dartmouth. Exactly 2,086 op-ed articles have been written by '03s complaining about Room Draw (one for each rising sophomore currently without housing), so I will not address this issue. Except, of course, to say that I will be living in the basement of South Fayers. Haha! Yay for sexual favors and a complete lack of morality!
Located below are some of the most important changes that I plan -- no, that I think should probably most likely be implemented sometime in the future. By someone other than myself.
1) I'd like for the College to stop lying about how little money they have. Look, the Bakers are still alive and well, billions are being raked in from parking fines, and frankly, the money the administration saves on its electricity bill because of our perpetual blackouts rivals the endowments of most state universities.
This money should be put to use. In particular, it has come to my attention that people are here during the summer. Under the assumption that New Hampshire eventually gets above 60 degrees when mid-August rolls aroundair conditioning would be nice when such a time presents itself. Especially in the frats, or actually, perhaps the resident advisors that the trustees deem necessary can be paid to dangle from scaffolding to fan party-goers.
2) Lower dining hall prices. Pray tell, why does a slice of a canned peach cost $40? I realize there is no reason for Dartmouth not to milk us for all we're worth during the four years that we're here but it really would be nice not to have our DBA's drastically depleted simply, because we'd like to have a fro-yo every once and a while.
3) I'm sitting here typing at my desk and gazing in horror at my G3. It is truly a despicable thing. What other area in the world holds as many Apple computers per square foot as Hanover? Is it any surprise that a Dartmouth alum ruled against Bill Gates in the Microsoft debacle? Answer me this: why does Dartmouth use Macs? What's the agenda? I am of the opinion that if even Steve Jobs does not find it necessary to own a Mac (fact checked by: no one), then neither should I. (You may find it necessary to blitz me and say "You could've ordered a PC if you really wanted to." I counter that argument by pointing out that the objective of college is to abandon all the shackles of independence and individuality in order to promote conformity. Am I going to ostracize myself from the Dartmouth community simply for the sake of owning a real computer rather than a Mac? Hell no.)
4) An outdoor pool. Every other college has an outdoor pool! (Another fact checked by: no one.) Yes, there is a large body of water somewhere in the near vicinity. I think it is called the Rio Grande. But wouldn't it be nice to have a resort style pool on camps open to students and faculty when the weather's nice (from August 15th through the 20th?) Then girls would have an excuse to wear as little during the day as during the nights! We could have foam parties! Promote promiscuity! Convert Collis into a three floor club called Coco Bongo! Bring MTV's Spring Break to Dartmouth!
That's it for now. Submit further suggestions, because I'm listening, and I'm "confident that these actions will lead to a significant improvement in the lives of our undergraduate and graduate students."
