Hello, out there. After months of careful consideration, I've decided to become an Athlete. However, rather than actually trying out for a specific sport or making any undue effort on my own part, I'm going to put this column to use and make it a forum for the pursuit of my athletic career and eventual superstardom.
Look no further, Dartmouth coaches, the stage is set, a new era has begun. (No phone calls, Blitzmail only.) Indubitably, I will soon be beleaguered with requests for my participation in the multifarious sporting events that have eluded my attention for the greater half of freshman year.
Why this sudden resolution on my part? Through extensive statistical research, I've come to the conclusion that the Greek system will no longer be viable by this afternoon. Therefore, one Dartmouthian institution having been cruelly wrenched from my realm of experience, becoming an Athlete is certainly the best alternative. (This, of course, precludes a phasing out of the Athletic system that the omniscient and discerning Trustees might deem necessary, based on an irrefutable finding that teams are exclusive and discriminatory based on athletic ability.)
There's just something so enviable about baggy, green sweatpants matched with a team jacket, something so titillating about being one of a gaggle of girls bobbing across campus. The agony I must endure as I watch my roommate flounce from the room in heruhsquash skirt (so cute) and heruhhitting utensil in tow. It's not fair! I, too, should be able to enjoy the prerogative of stretching in publicof making lifelong friendships that will inextricably link me to alumni and future job offers! If you prick us, do we not bleed?
Here are the teams that I'd like to be on, in order of preference:
-
Swim team. I have as yet to meet a member of the women's swim team. Perhaps such a thing does not exist. Nevertheless, having taken lessons at my local Y during elementary school, I feel that this is the sport for which I am best qualified. Hopefully, my fear of diving will not present an obstacle to my joining the (non-existent?) team and eventually becoming it's beloved captain.
-
Football. Ok, so I realize there's no such thing as women's football but the je na sais quois of being able to say "34! 62! 18! Hike!"-- well, I'm sure you can all relate.
-
Basketball. First female player for the New York Knicks! I will rival Jordan for grace, Sprewell for styleBogues for triumph over a significant disadvantage!
-
Tennis. I'm not really sure why I'd like to be on the tennis team. My lack of hand-eye-other extremities coordination may present a problem but the illogical scoring system has this strange allure to it"30-love" in a mechanical voice -- shiver me timbers.
-
Equestrian team. (Is that even what it's called?) While I have no experience in competitive riding, or riding period, or with horses for that matter, I'm sure that is of no consequence since I have read "Black Beauty" and once drew a picture of a unicorn for a high school art class.
-
Gymnastics. I'll be the next Tara Lipinsky! I'll do quadruple toe-loops!
-
Track. I've been working out on the Stairmaster. I own Nikes. End of story.
-
Rugby. What is rugby? Is this an import from England? Is it like cricket?
And there you have it. Stay tuned for further developments.
