Today's column is comprised of a series of unrelated, or at most, tenuously related topics. (By acknowledging the lack of coherence in this article, I render your -- the reader's -- observation that "this article is merely comprised of a series of unrelated, or at most, tenuously related topics" irrelevant, redundant, and downright obnoxious.) Why? For one thing, I'm lazy. Horrifyingly, life-threateningly lazy. For the other, the 55 incomprehensible chapters I'm due to read in the next 48 hours prevent me from even attempting anything beyond the wonders of the "cut and paste." (Note to self: am taking course to fulfill QDS this term. What is this thing they call a "cube"?) Therefore, I refer you a few hastily typed rantings on the scurrilous nature of college life and a few self-important sentences concerning the existential angst I occasionally--okay, fine, perpetually and neurotically--experience.
General Thoughts on Dartmouth:
I thought that I'd write about what Dartmouth means to me. But as it means nothing to me, I find the task to be entirely beyond my capabilities. Even upon exerting all my best efforts at fatuous sentimentality, la college informational pamphlets -- "I never would have become the person I am today without Dartmouth and the people who make Dartmouth a community," "The many opportunities that Dartmouth offers for everyone to be active have made my career here so exciting," "I love fraternities, beer, and the objectification of women," -- I was still unable to come up with much more than a few words -- certainly not enough to fulfill the word count necessary for an op-ed article.
I'm usually pretty critical of Dartmouth but don't get me wrong, I really/sometimes/intermittently love/like/tolerate Dartmouth. However, this intermittent tolerance does not repudiate my belief that a lot of the students here are astonishingly boring and should participate in activities outside the realm of underage drinking. I mean, I am a big proponent of underage drinking, but I think, and I'm sure you'll agree, that there should be other options made available to us. Like, of course, heroin. (Maybe that is not funny. The heroin remark. It is funny to me. Sorry.)
Choose your own segue and insert here: ___.
The D-Plan is Really an Apocalyptic Sign of Divine Judgement Against Humankind's Iniquity (Version 6.6):
The D-Plan. I've referred to the appalling nature of the D-Plan before but I believe I've failed to place sufficient emphasis on my infinite abhorrence of it. If you recall your decision to come to school here, I imagine the majority of you took the time to consider the D-Plan.
Question from Inquisitive Potential Applicant: So what can you tell me about the D-Plan?
Answer: The D-plan allows you to get an internship at a giant corporation much more easily than the average student at the average college (i.e. Harvard). Instead of having to compete for summer internships, you are pretty much guaranteed a spot doing any sort of grunt work your heart may desire--for instance, the intellectually stimulating job of making coffee--and chalking it all up as "a learning experience."
Applicant: Yay! Gee, now I must to go to Dartmouth!
One only realizes the disadvantages of the D-Plan when safely in the clutches of sophomore year:
1.Sophomore Summer. Although I'm slightly pleased by the idea of spending this summer frolicking (naked) in the Connecticut River and lolling (naked) around on the Green, I've found that the ORC lists exactly two courses offered this summer: Super-advanced Physics (Not for non-majors) and Carpentry I (Serves as a prerequisite to all other Carpentry courses. It does not carry major, minor, or distributive credit.)
2.Double majoring. Impossible. Don't think about it. Don't try it. It's not gonna happen. There is no way you can fulfill all the requirements for two majors since the courses you need will certainly not be offered in this millennium, let alone the next three years.
3.The dreaded 13th term. For those upperclassmen out there, if you decided to explore your interests during your freshman year, you are probably petitioning for or have already added that extra term. For myself, having committed the outrage of being interested in and taking a number of classes in unrelated departments, I will now be graduating with the class of 2020.
So, '04s, get cracking. Figure out your major now and decide what classes you're going to take for your academic career before you regret not thinking ahead. Oh! Too late. Your grace period ended just as you read that last sentence. Sorry!
