The 7 Stages of Grief in Line at KAF
1. Shock & Denial
This is bullsh*t. There’s no way the line is actually this long. There must be a crowd of people at the front waiting for lattes or I’m going to freak out. Oh — but the second window must be open. Wow. This is truly obscene. This is proof that God is dead. This is completely unacceptable. Do you think the other people in this line even have an 11? Because I know for a fact that Jonah doesn’t — yet he’s at the front? Not to mention that I see at least twelve 22’s and I know for a fact that they don’t have the DBA to be here…
Courtesy of Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer via Giphy
2. Pain & Guilt
Ugh, I am such a caffeine addict. I just need to get right. Just one espresso shot and I’m straight. I am going to be in this line for 30 years and I deserve it. If I hadn’t woken up so late I wouldn’t even be in this situation — I have a serious drinking problem and it’s interfering with other parts of my life. This is all my fault. I’m just a junkie coming to get his fix. I’m going to be an old man by the time I get to the front of this line and my head is pounding with caffeine withdrawal.
3. Anger & Bargaining
Can they really not move this line along any faster?! Maybe if they weren’t trying to serve the entire campus coffee out of a room the size of Harry Potter’s bedroom we wouldn’t have to wait so — DID YOU JUST CUT?!? DID YOU REALLY JUST CUT ME?!? I WILL END YOU, YOU WORTHLESS PILE OF HUMAN GARBAGE. YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN WRATH LIKE THIS. Maybe I can get someone to hold my spot? Just for a minute? I could use the toilet and respond to all my emails if someone would just hold my spot — I have class guys, can I just go to the front???
Courtesy of Disney Pixar via Giphy
I’m at an all-time low. I’ve been standing here for 15 minutes and I’m not even inside the door yet. I’ve never been lonelier. I am loneliness. I’m just a speck hurtling around a giant fireball at a million miles an hour. We’re all useless. Cogs in the big machine we call capitalism. My classes aren’t going well. No one wants to hang out with me anymore. I’m starting to think that I’m just not cut out for this stuff. I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here. I wish I was special.
5. The Upward Turn
I’m through the door. I repeat I am through the door—this is not a drill. And what is this? Free brownie samples? Take two? Oh, I will. Oh, you’re allergic to nuts? I’ll gladly take yours. Maybe things aren’t so bad…
Courtesy of Nickelodeon via Giphy
6. Reconstruction & Working Through
Wow, I guess I never actually figured out what I wanted to get. I was too busy worrying about never getting KAF at all to realize that it’s inevitable. We all get KAF eventually and that’s the beautiful thing. I can see the light…and its bright!
7. Acceptance & Hope
Hi! Can I get a large mocha latte with soy milk? Yes, large. Yeah, soy milk, please. What is the quiche today? Oh, that’s fine. Can I get one of the bacon cheddar chive scones? Oh, you're out of them? Um, I guess I'll have a chocolate croissant—those are a close second. DBA, please. Oh, great—thank you!
Courtesy of Fox via Giphy